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That I May Serve... Undergraduate Class of 2018 Review

jlee18 3  
Sep 12, 2017   #1
Hello! Below is the essay prompt. Ths school suggests an essay with about 250 words. What do you think? Please be critical in regards to all aspects of the essay. Thank you so much!

Our motto is Ut Prosim (That I May Serve). How is service to others important in your life?

it's more than just a motto

Ut Prosim is a lifestyle I believe I have been living since childhood. I fell in love with volunteerism at a young age. From teaching a preschool class at my church to helping in nursing homes, I have found that through service, I have been able to form unique bonds with people I may not have been able to meet otherwise. Prior to high school, I knew I love helping others but it wasn't until high school it was my passion too. I volunteered in as many ways as possible and through that, I was able to find my love for children. I joined various clubs such as "Wildcats versus Cancer", a club devoted to helping childhood cancer patients, as well as outside programs, such as G.I.V.E., an elementary school tutoring program.Volunteering helped cultivate my love for serving others and now, I aspire to be a pediatric nurse so I can devote my life to helping those around me.

Volunteering also enables me to stay humble and appreciate the lifestyle I live. Nowadays, society is focused on always wanting more, however through volunteering, I have learned to be appreciative of what I have and to give what I can to help others. I have found that those with the least are the most willing to give- a way I want to live. Ut Prosim is more than just a motto. It is a way of life that has made an immense impact in my life.
Holt [Contributor] 1506  
Sep 12, 2017   #2
Jess, the essay tells of your experience as a volunteer at various organizations, but it does not speak of how service to others is important in your life. You are presenting too much of the number of volunteer activities that you have instead of telling the reviewer how community service has helped you become a better person. What drew your to community service in the first place and why did you consider it important that you start doing something for others? Don't say you did it because it looks good on your resume. That is the worst reason that you can give. Try to think of a reason that ties in with an interest on your part in either community building or simply being civic minded. Your current response is only a draft and only the last paragraph of the draft seems to be suited for a major revision that can make it useful in your new essay version. You don't need to enumerate all of your volunteer activities. Just discuss the one that you like doing the most and then explain your interest based upon my suggestions above. One impressive activity is always better than several lip-service activities when you are writing such a prompt specific essay.

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