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UF ESSAY: "meaningful event" - Upward Bound


collegeicntwait 3 / 2  
Oct 13, 2008   #1
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do." On June 9, 2005 at the end of my eight grade School year, I found out that my mother had enrolled me an a Upward Bound Math, and Science Program for the upcoming summer, and not my twin brother. One might think that this isn't such a big deal but at that age my brother and I were very close to each other, and we did everything together. Now I had to go to this program where I didn't know anyone, and without my brother to back me up.

During this phase of my life I was unsociable, very quiet, and my confidence to talk to someone new, was dismal. Meanwhile my brother was the total opposite, he was outgoing, very sociable, and supremely confident. I feel now that my confidence levels are strong but still getting stronger with every experience that I do and accomplish in my life. For instance numerous people considered I wouldn't be able to achieve an internship that Upward Bound Program was offering at the University of Miami Medical Campus, with all these negative predictions I started to think the same way. However I still tried and to my amazement I succeeded. The internship involved working with the I.T. crew and at the same time learning from them. With this accomplishment my confidence was given a major boost, it showed me that I could achieve and conquer any task given to me even if other people don't have confidence in me, to always have confidence in myself..

This meaningful event also helped me build and strengthen my courage. During the program I did many things that I wouldn't picture myself ever doing. The UB staff would take us on field trips; one of those trips was at John Pennykamp Coral reef State Park. During the trip we were put on a boat and taken to the middle of the Florida Keys where we were able to take the plunge inside, and snorkel with the numerous species of the sea including the treacherous Barracudas, Sharks, and Stingrays.

Upward Bound also helped me to enhance my strengths by helping me to acknowledge my weaknesses. I never thought of myself as an academic oriented person but through the guidance of my mentors, and UB peers I discovered that my insecurities were hindering my innate intellectual entrance. Through their support my mentors and peers by showing me that education can be fun and introducing me to topics that I felt strongly about.

Upward Bound helped me grasp the ideals represented in Roosevelt's quotation. Now I am a confident individual who will take advantage of every opportunity, I am an intellectual who will challenge himself academically and I hope to utilize these attributes in furthering the social and academic brilliance of the University of Florida.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 14, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

"...at the end of my eighth grade schoolyear I found out that my mother had enrolled me in anUpward Bound math and science program for..."

Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; they are inappropriate, and many instructors will count down for their use.

Watch the excessive and inappropriate use of commas. Perhaps a refresher on when and where to use commas would do you good; there are many free guides on the internet.

Be careful of random capitalization; if the word is not a proper noun (a specific person, place, thing, or idea) or the first word in a sentence, it should not be capitalized. For instance, "Barracudas, Sharks, and Stingrays;" none of these should be capitalized.

"...academically oriented person..."

"...the guidance of my mentors and UB peers I..."

"...every opportunity. I am an intellectual..."

As to content, you've got a good story here, the introduction and conclusion tie up very neatly, and the flow is good.

I hope this helps.
OP collegeicntwait 3 / 2  
Oct 18, 2008   #3
thank you For your much needed corrections.


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