I just recently wrote this essay and had a lot of trouble getting it to 400 words. Any kind of opinion and criticism would be greatly appreciated.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
What is the hardest thing about being a parent? Is it the inability to support your child or the work required in taking care of the child? My parents have shown me that it is neither of these. Like the inability to answer a question you do not know the answer to, the hardest thing is not knowing what to do.
I was three years old at the time in my parents' room. It was the middle of the night but, I was not tucked safely in bed sound asleep. Instead, I was awake, shivering uncontrollably in my father's arms with a high fever. He was trembling almost as much as I was. My limp body rested between his arms lifelessly. He was squeezing me, whispering in my ears, trying to wish the sickness away. I was crying inconsolably, but I could not tell whose tears it was that drenched my shirt. My mother tried desperately to find someone to help, scrambling helplessly outside to the neighbors. Both being unable to communicate effectively in English, they were lost in their own home. I was picked up like a rag doll and carried away by paramedics. What remains is a blur in my mind, however, what stood out the most was not my sickness, but the unforgettable look in my father's eyes when I looked up at him. It was the eyes of a man that did not know what to do.
What is the hardest thing about being a parent? It is not knowing. It is not knowing what to do when your child is crying. It is not knowing what to do when your child is in pain. I will never forget that moment. I am not going let that happen. When my child cries, I will know what to do. When my child is in pain, I will know what to do. I have dedicated myself to earning a Pediatric Degree. I see the light at the end of the road, now all I must do is walk the path. I am my meaningful experience. This memory will continue to fuel me throughout my college career and help keep my eyes on the prize.
Is it the inability to support your child
Are you saying that your parents have been unable to support you? Okay, just finished reading your essay. Still, not knowing how to cure someone who is sick is not the same as not being able to support your child in general.
My limp body rested between his arms lifelessly.
If your body were lifeless, you would have been dead. Clearly you are not. Revise.
I am my meaningful experience. This memory will continue to fuel me throughout my college career and help keep my eyes on the prize.
Oh no, the patient is developing a clear case of triteness! You can see the raised cliches blistering his conclusion. Don't end a strong essay so weakly.
