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'Meaningful soccer game' - Common App Short Essay (Soccer)


lev702 1 / -  
Jan 11, 2010   #1
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Out of all the activities I have pursued, soccer holds the most meaning to me. Ever since the age of six, it has been my passion. Exciting and vigorous varsity soccer has marked my last four years of high school. I have played on many successful clubs and have attended several prestigious academies. Soccer provides an outlet; While I am playing, I forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be school or family issues. To me, soccer is the metaphor of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it: achievements being due to hard work, but impacted by uncertainties. I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because it fulfills me as a person.

Please let me know what you think...

Thanks,
Daniel

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Jan 18, 2010   #2
To me, soccer is the metaphor of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it: achievements being due to hard work, but impacted by uncertainties.

Hi Daniel, I think this has too much telling and not enough... poetry. In a short essay like this, you have to choose words that really impact the reader. To turn this into poetry, choose a real PURPOSE... a specific experience you want to provide for the reader. The sentence above, about soccer reflecting life as most people see it, is very good! It is memorale and significant, not like the mundane stuff about when you started playing soccer or "played in many successful clubs." Don't waste any words! Let it all be for the reader's experience of _______.

Of what... excitement about going deep into something meditative, like soccer.


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