Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. *
"Where a 4.0 Means Nothing"
I come from a school of "over achievers". Students spend the majority of their time studying or doing homework. If they ever find free time, you can find them feeding the homeless, working with underprivileged children, or saving kids in Darfur. Being in this environment makes us "regular" students feel the pressure to stand out just as much as everyone else. Instead of being discouraged by the plethora of outstanding students at my high school, I used them as motivation to help me become a better student.
My high school responds to highly- motivated learners by offering numerous, in depth classes covering all subjects. Over the years, I have fallen in love with each science I have taken. Each year my sciences classes got better. In my junior year, physiology became my most enjoyable class. I was inspired to learn about how the human body functions and took pride in each lab that was given to us. Because my high school is able to afford top quality lab materials, my learning wasn't constrained to what the textbook had to offer. Often we were working with fetal pigs, field mice, cow joints, bones, sheep hearts, and my favorite, cow lungs. The class was called "human physiology," but it felt as if we worked with almost every species, except for the human. In college, I'm excited about the opportunity to work with cadavers, where I hope to experience how the human body really works.
Being at Redwood, I am confident I can learn at any level. Attending a school with motivated students, insightful teachers, and a complex curriculum, have inspired me to be strong academically, and be committed to my education. Being successful at a school with such high standards makes me feel that I can jump over any academic hurdle put in my way. I feel that going to an institution, like the University of California, Berkeley, would set me up for an incredibly academic fulfilled life.
Can you please check for grammer?
Is this answering the questions thouroughly?
What should i add/take away?
This is a good start. I would suggest adding a better opening statement that captures the reader's attention and pulls the reader in.
Honestly, do your colleagues really save kids in Darfur? Maybe more specific, believable examples needed here? Also, do you mean to infer that you are "regular" if you aren't a super humanitarian?
Your next paragraph could be nipped and tucked or strengthened...(see my comments in CAPS )
My high school responds to highly- motivated learners (STUDENTS? ) by offering numerous, in depth classes covering all subjects. Over the years, I have fallen in love with each science I have taken. (WHY??) Each year my sciences classes got better. (WHY? - YOU COULD LINK THE 2 SENTENCES) In my junior year, physiology became my most enjoyable class. I was inspired to learn about how the human body functions and took pride in each lab that was given to us. (WHAT INSPIRED YOU, WHY DID U TAKE PRIDE IN EACH LAB? BCOZ OF TOP QUALITY LAB MATERIALS IS PRETTY LAME.) Because my high school is able to afford top quality lab materials, my learning wasn't constrained to what the textbook had to offer. Often we were working with fetal pigs, field mice, cow joints, bones, sheep hearts, and my favorite, cow lungs. The class was called "human physiology," but it felt as if we worked with almost every species, except for the human. In college, I'm excited about the opportunity to work with cadavers, where I hope to experience how the human body really works. (WHY ARE U EXCITED TO WORK WITH CADAVERS? BECOZ YOU ONLY GOT TO WORK ON ANIMALS UP TO NOW IS LAME TOO.)
would set me up for an incredibly academic fulfilled life. (ACADEMICALLY FULFILLING LIFE)
Wow, it sounds like a great school!!! If you name the school it will help to back up what you say and make the claims not seem so outrageous as Lin mentioned. But obviously, lots of schools participate in humanitarian work... so, the reader understands and is impressed, I think.
In that last paragraph, I think you should add more about your specific interests. Do not just say "at any level," but instead tell what you are driven to achieve.
Good luck!!!
