Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I think that judgment is a part of human nature; it is a tendency and characteristic that we are born with. Whoever we meet and how we interact with that person, we are prone to subconscious judgment, evaluation, and discriminate logic. We are sometimes reluctant to admit this, because we are well aware that judgment can be perceived as a vice. Nevertheless, I have come to refine this observed definition and eliminate the negative ties this particular trait holds. I am grateful for the opportunity to become part of the heartwarming community and welcoming environment of the Children's Hospital in Seoul and to myself for having made the decision I would not hesitate to reconsider if I had to.
Children's Hospital in Seoul serves as a home for abandoned, physically and/or mentally disabled children. Within this home there exists an interconnected network of human bonds with the residents representing the conduit for the support and encouragement delivered to the children, and needless to say, I became one of them. As a volunteer in the hospital, as a resident in this home, I learned something. Being a volunteer requires one to understand what it means to volunteer. Airing, feeding, bathing, and changing diapers-these are only the writings in the Bible; anybody can read what's in Bible but truly understanding what it means to devote faith to God is limited to a number. Understanding meant to erase the stains on the lens, to magnify the view, to widen the scope, and I did simply that. The disabilities and deformities of the children that initially intimidated me were no longer visible; the barriers that deterred me from understanding and drew out my tendency to discriminate were broken.
Winston Churchill once said, "We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give." Altruism is an essence and a virtue, and a principle I believe one can adopt to produce the mentality that can compromise selflessness and discrimination, with the latter being the reactant that undergoes a reaction to become the product, the former. My experience has transformed me, and I am conscious of that change. My diffidence and selectiveness have emerged as the indiscriminate kindness and benevolence that I display in my daily life today.
Hi Youngmin. Great essay you have there, but I think you should use your pronouns (like we, I, one) consistently and also remember to include your answer for why you are proud of your personal quality or whatever! :)
Thanks for the feedback, Jennifer.
Other than including why I am proud of this accomplishment and making more use of pronouns, has anyone else got to say something more to improve my essay?
I'm looking for more feedback.
You seem to jump from one subject to another right here:
Nevertheless, I have come to refine this observed definition and eliminate the negative ties this particular trait holds. I am grateful for the opportunity to become part of the heartwarming community and welcoming environment of the Children's Hospital ...----I think you need to add a sentence to tell what the hospital has to do with this idea of healthy application of judgment.
...in Seoul, and to myself for having made the decision if I had the option to go back and change my decision to get involved I would not hesitate to do it again. reconsider if I had to. If you reconsider something, that means you might change your mind.
My diffidence and selectivity have emerged ...
:-)
I think you should take the word today off the end of the last sentence:
...daily life. today
and needless to say, I became one of them
It is a little bit unclear to me who the 'them' represents, because there are couple of group and people appear ahead.
I did simply that
This sentence sounds weird to me... do you me what you do is no more than simply erasing the stains on the lens, magnifing the view, and widening the scope. Or you accomplished to do so easily?
This is a very nice essay! You really elaborate it nice and clear!
