Deadline is approaching quickly!!! And I kind of want to send it tomorrow :/
I've been working on this for a while.. but I think I need some help. I've found it extremely difficult to write about myself, so I decided to take it from a third person perspective. Please tell me what you think and how I can improve upon it! Also, and title suggestions?
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She sat at the table, one hand supporting her head as she scribbled sporadically in her notebook. Her sandy chestnut hair cascaded in long waves down over both shoulders, stopping to rest at her mid-back, yellow-white bleached tips peeking from beneath the thick layers. Her bangs were long, and made a sort of shade that veiled the upper half of her face. Her nose protruded slightly from the soft shadows and her eyes were hidden beneath a fan of dark lashes. Her lips sat softly on her slightly tan face, like thin slices of a ripe peach, moving occasionally as she reread what she had written. She glanced up quickly, revealing the intensity of her crystalline sapphire eyes as she scrutinized my face before dropping her gaze back down as her pen hit her paper, producing a few more lines.
She was of average height and comfortable build, perched at an angle in her seat with her legs crossed at the ankles. Her moccasin-clad feat tapped occasionally to an unheard beat as she paused and searched the air surrounding her for a forgotten word. Her jeans were dark blue, and her red and grey striped sweater was pushed up at the sleeves, revealing her hands, with notes-to-self written in pen on her palms, and paint bordering her fingernails. On her fingers were a few silver rings that glinted in the light as she lifted her hand to play with the thin silver chain around her neck.
She glanced up at me again, this time holding my gaze for longer before returning to her writing. Her eyes were clear and sharp, almost icily so, and became progressively bluer on the outer rims, brown-gold spots scattered in minuscule clusters around her ebony pupils. They revealed to me something I hadn't noticed before, a quiet calculation and determination as she knit her brow and jotted down a few more lines into her notebook.
A look of captive desperation washed over her features as she let out an exasperated sigh. With longing in her eyes she looked out the window, and her face was flooded by the natural light. She pulled her eyes reluctantly back to mine and her somewhat beaten expression softened as she absentmindedly dropped a hand down to the soft fur of a medium sized brown and white dog that came to place his head on her lap. The dog let out a whine when the girl lifted her hand back up to her paper, but settled dutifully by her feet with one soft "hush" from her lips.
Poring over her paper once again, the girl made corrections and added lines, her pen dancing across the page with a newfound vigor. Her eyes flashed up once more as she checked her facts, and with a smile playing across her lips, she closed the notebook, capped her pen, stood, and with her dog trailing behind her, walked away from the mirror.
Thanks :)
Hello!
This is very cute, and definitely answers the prompt! The last paragraph is a really nice finish to it.
My only qualm is that the overt descriptiveness is a little... bulky? Cumbersome? I understand that you wanted to interpret the prompt literally, but I feel your piece would benefit from some fluidity. If it had smoother transitions and maybe every sentence wasn't description... If you dotted it with sentences that were less complex I think it would make the piece more appealing and easier to read, because as it stands, it gets somewhat tiresome to read with all the description, until you get to the end. Just some simple sentences added in to break it up would help.
hth
May GOD'S Blessings, Favor, and Mercy be upon you, your family, and your situation forever!
