Hello~ My friends~ Could you help me to correct grammar mistakes and give me some advice for this essay?
Thank you verrrrrry much! I am not a native speaker so I would make some ludicrous mistakes TAT
This is my first time to use this forum~ I would like to help others when I have free time and I would really appreciate if you can give me some help~
p.s this essay seems to be a little bit long (should be 550 words around), could you tell me which sentence I could cut?
UC#1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My world since childhood has been full of mysteries due to my interest and curiosity in science. It may be resulted from my family background: my father is civil engineer, and my mother studied materials engineering at her college, and my grandma and grandpa were electric engineers.My parents always said that I was a tomboy because I never did those things like a typical girls did in childhood. I played with toy cars and talked about the structure of cars with boys, competed on designing paper planes and I designed ten kinds of planes which were used for different purposes, such as for flying straightly or upward, rotating or flying back to the origin. I also fell in love with sudoku and jigsaw puzzles. I enjoyed the joy of fulfillment when I finished a number in latin square or found out the next piece of puzzles from thousands pieces.
When I showed the tendency to learning science and creating things, my parents did not show too much surprises, but provided much space and support for me. On my 8th birthday, my parents gave me a set of chemistry experimental equipment, Then my room became my personal chemical laboratory. In my spare time, I indulged myself in exciting experiments and pursued more knowledge through internet when my parents and teachers could not answer my questions. By using electric soldering iron and zinc rod, I made a radio from PCB(Printed circuit board), and various electronic components for my grandma at the age of twelve. At that time, my radio could only receive five channels, but it was an unprecedented success for me. The ability to create a useful device from seemly unrelated and scatter parts really satisfied my desire and brought me a sense of satisfaction. I realized that I could turn only an idea into a real action by combing science knowledge with practical ability.
As I grew up, my passion for science and physics has been increased. Every time I saw a complicated device or machine, my brain always instinctively goes to work thinking about what would its mechanics and internal structure be. Under the influence of Mr. Walden, my AP physics teacher, I was fascinated by the complexity of engine, especially the idea of the internal combustion engine and reaction engine. With my teacher's suggestion, I attended a Science and Technology Festival and sketched the rough draft to make water and solid rockets. When a PVC tube, a package of glucose, a box of Potassium nitrate were turned into a real rocket by myself, I was so excited. Also, in order to make sure the accuracy and success of each launch, I learned to use CAD to design my 3-D and 2-D rocket model and analyzed my previous trials and predicted the next flight. But I was not satisfied by the success of launching my normal candy rocket. In order to achieve high-efficient fuel for rocket, I mixed different ingredients such as rust, zinc and even honey into fuel to test their effect. I enjoyed the process of refining and improving my product and gained the sense of fulfillment after every progress. I regarded every product as my child and consider every failure as a chance of development.
At the point of applying to college, I desire to walk into a bigger world of science and engineering. In my opinion, engineering is not only a broad discipline which I can apply maths and physics into real problems, but also an attitude of perseverance and passion. It has been my dreams and aspirations since childhood to be an engineer who can make a difference, who can facilitate human beings and benefit the world and human life in a direct way. For me,mechanical engineering = passion + perseverance + hard working + determination to benefit the world.
Since childhood, curiosity about sciene has always filled my life with mysteries. It may have resulted from my family background: my father is civil engineer, and my mother studied materials engineering at her college, and my grandparents were electrical engineers.My parents always said that I was a tomboy because what I did was not typical of a girl. I played with toy cars and talked about them with boys, competed on designing paper planes and I designed ten kinds of planes which were used for different purposes, such as for flying straightly or upward, rotating or flying back to the origin(I don't quite get this). I also fell in love with sudoku and jigsaw puzzles. I enjoyed finding out a number in a square or completing puzzles from thousands of pieces.
Well, that's just the first paragraph. I suggest you start from the beginning and start trimming them down the way I just did.
You can trim the end of your first paragraph about your likes. Just focus on your engineering interest. When you list the chemicals for your rocket, i don't think you need to be that specific. Admission officers won't know what they are and would care less about what you need to shoot rockets. I dom't know how many words you need it shortened down to so this is all I can contribute.
Thanks a lot Kondite! Your advice is very helpful! Actually when I wrote this part of my essay, I was a little bit worried that Admission officers will not know those chemicals. I will revise those sentence.
I just need to cut 40 words, so I decide to keep most of essay and shorten my first paragraph.
By the way, could you give me some other comments or advice about this essay? Any feedback is appreciate! :) Thank you in advance!
This essay is written really well. It may be a little long though so I would watch the word count. I'm sure you've already fixed this.
For me,mechanical engineering = passion + perseverance + hard working + determination to benefit the world.
I wouldn't use the plus and equal signs because it is informal.
I wish you the best of luck! :)
My world since childhood has been full of mysteries due to my interest and curiosity in science. It may be resulted from my family background: my father is civil engineer, and my mother studied materials engineering at her college, and my grandma and grandpa were electric engineers.
I grew up in an environment filled with many Engineering interests; My father is a civil engineer while my mother studied materials engineering at college. Both my grandpa and grandma were electric engineers.My parents always said that I was a tomboy because I never did those things like a typical girls did in childhood. I played with toy cars and talked about the structure of cars with boys, competed on designing paper planes and I designed ten kinds of planes which were used for different purposes, such as for flying straightly or upward, rotating or flying back to the origin
May be with this influence, I was more or less a tomboy than an average girl during my childhood and loved playing with toy cars and not dolls. I was interested in boys' company because their world was about structures of cars and planes.