This is the one I would like to use:
Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
I believe medical care is one of the worldwide concerns all nations possess. As a Korean girl who has grown up in South Korea for 18 years and visited United States frequently, I had a lot of occurrences to visit hospitals, both in Korea and the states; these incidents helped me observe the pros and cons of hospitals in both nations.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was thirteen. Since then, I have visited different Korean hospitals with her numerous times. When I was in the states two years ago, I visited American hospitals with my aunt, who was diagnosed with cancer as well, and with my mother, who had emergency surgery during our visit.
I believe Korean hospitals are proficient in handling time; patients can make online reservations with specific dates they select, or they could make reservations on that date if they are present at the hospital, even though such reservations require them to wait a longer time than those who have made previous reservations. However, the Korean doctors are chased by time, and most doctors working at university hospitals are forced see up to three patients in five minutes. American hospitals are focused more on the patients, and the doctors humanely care about their patients and their health; they try to provide their best for the patients' convenience. However, making appointments is incredibly time consuming - even though my aunt felt devastated with her worsening condition and her cancer metastasizing, it took nearly a month for her to get an appointment at the new hospital when her prior hospital transferred her.
My initial purpose of life is to become a biomedical engineer and advance the medical devices we currently have and assist to improve the life qualities of all people, including those of my dear family. Then, I would like to establish a hospital which would consist of the advantages of the hospitals of both nations; I would like to provide services which are best for the patients. But before achieving my dreams, I would like this new level of education to serve as a solid step which would help me provide the service for others and encourage them to overcome the hardships my family and I overcame.
You don't have to read this one, but it would be great if you could tell me which one is better:
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
As a Korean girl who has grown up in South Korea for 18 years, I can definitely say I lived, and still live, in a diverse community. Even though I reside in Korea, my schools have been located on an American military base; since my school was considered to be on American territory, I literally went back and forth from Korea to United States and vice versa every day.
My school has about 350 students from different countries: South Korea, United States, Germany, Japan, Philippines, and more. I have never worried about racism at our school; everyone realized each country's uniqueness and accepted it, for everyone was so familiar with living overseas. I realized the importance of diversity when I was talking to my Korean friend who moved to New York State few years ago; she said she was the only Asian in her new school and was depressed about how people made fun of her English accent. I had never thought about discriminating against someone because of one's accent; even though I took it as a compliment when my aunt told me she could not hear my accent anymore, I was never ashamed of the accent I had before.
When I talked to my school friends about this, they all agreed with me on the idea that accent is not what matters; it is the content of what people are saying that truly matters. This incident helped me see that living in a diverse community really helps in developing healthy international relationships. Ever since this idea became clear to me, I tried my best to comfort people with my words, rather than blurting out some words without any meaning.
I know I will dedicate all I have to not only help myself, but other students and faculties as well when I am accepted to a university. I only hope for three things: my existence to add onto the university's diversity and the diversity to serve as a solid step for improvement; my dedication to help advance the university and the community; and the university to develop myself and lead me to become who can assist those in need of help.
The first essay is about my family illness and how I wish to mend medical problems we currently have..
Second one is about racism and diversity.
I'll take all advices gratefully. Honestly, I feel like I made so many grammatical errors here and there..
If you could point them out, that would be great!
I would love honest comments/criticism.. Are they too vague? I can't really tell..
& I'll return the favor if you'd like, so please leave a comment or two.. :)
most doctors working at university hospitals are forced to see up to three patients in five minutes
My initial purpose in life is
fun of her Korean accent
english accents are people from great britian lol
I cant rly pick one over the other. But i think both essays are pretty good. Their not vague because you gave examples and how those examples affected your life.
appreciated if you looked at my stony brook essay
Some of my suggestions
to become a biomedical engineer and advance the medical devices
to become a biomedical engineer
and to help advance
or
to become a biomedical engineer
so as to advance
encourage them to overcome the hardships my family and I overcame.
...my family and I
have overcome .
concerns all nations possess
that concerns all nations.
because of one's accent;
because of
their accent
I
When I talked to my school friends about this, they all agreed with me on the idea that accent is not what matters; it is the content of what people are saying that truly matters. This incident helped me see that living in a diverse community really helps in developing healthy international relationships. Ever since this idea became clear to me, I tried my best to comfort people with my words, rather than blurting out some words without any meaning.
I'm not sure I understand this paragraph very well. I think a bit rewrite for your last sentence can help. It seems a bit forced and I don't really see its connection with your previous sentences, IMHO.
I actually like the first essay better, writing about diversity can be a bit tricky and could easily sound like cliche.
Hope it helps in anyways, and would appreciate it if you have a look at mine :)
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