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Medical school; William and Mary Sup;Unique and colorful?


ksinha29 1 / -  
Dec 28, 2012   #1
Hello! This is my first post here. I am applying to William and Mary and they have an optional supplement and I was just hoping you guys could give me any feedback regarding my essay. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment about it!

Q:Optional Essay or Submission:
Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful?

We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude, but please restrict your submission to what will fit on one sheet of paper.

Essay

"It's almost 6:30! You're going to be late for school! Also, turn this horrible dubstep nonsense off. It's hurting my ears," my mom screeched. I had slept through my alarm of "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites" by Skrillex. Quite honestly I'm shocked that I managed to somehow sleep through its cacophonously, boisterous clamor. Stumbling my way into the bathroom I was met by an extra-terrestrial presence of the likes I had never before seen. Thinking that I was in a scene from some horrible zombie apocalypse movie I let out a rather feminine scream, only to realize that the "extra-terrestrial presence" was merely my own reflection in the mirror, resulting from the nightly 'un-civil' war that takes place between my hair and my pillow.

After a much needed shower I proceeded into the living room to find that my twin brother and I somehow telepathically thought to wear the same exact outfit. "This is awkward," my brother Shrawan said. "Well, one of us is going to have to change and it was my turn last time." This had become such a common occurrence that we established a system to deal with it. I thought the days of wearing the same clothes as my twin were over after we outgrew our last pair of "Winnie-the-Pooh" overalls in pre-school, but I guess not.

"I didn't know today was 'Model Monday. I'm gonna tweet about how dumb you look,'" my friend Josh mockingly barked at me as I pulled my Dodge Charger into the parking space adjacent his Jeep. He was commenting on my dress shirt, gelled hair, and my frivolous and fictitious (somewhat) aspirations of one day becoming the first male Victoria's Secret model. "Shut up, fool," I responded as we both sprinted to class, narrowly beating the late-bell. The entirety of the school day passed by without much excitement, unless you count Ms. Lather, the orchestra conductor, yelling at me and the rest of the bass section for not practicing Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, as excitement. By this time it has become such a daily routine that I hardly consider it anomalous anymore.

Following yet another grueling varsity baseball practice after school, I clambered my way into bed, put on my iPod's "sleepy-time" playlist and enjoyed a much needed siesta before another long night of studying AP Chemistry knowing that the hard work I put in now will benefit me in the future. Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to be a doctor. Watching my father passionately consummate in his profession has thoroughly inspired me to follow in his footsteps into the world of medicine. Although not entirely sure what aspect within the realms of medicine I plan to pursue, I am decisively certain that my career plans will involve medical school following my Undergraduate Studies and I am convinced that the College of William and Mary will spearhead my vocation into the real-world.
katev 18 / 120 24  
Dec 28, 2012   #2
Stumbling my way into the bathroom I was met

Stumbling my way into the bathroom, I was met

apocalypse movie I let out

apocalypse movie, I let out

shower I proceeded

shower, I proceeded

This had become such a common occurrence that we established a system

This has become such a common occurrence that we have established a system

'Model Monday.

'Model Monday.'

fictitious (somewhat) aspirations

(somewhat) fictitious aspirations

1812 Overture, as excitement.

? with excitement?

By this time it has become such a daily routine that I hardly consider it anomalous anymore

Sort of repetitive. "By this time it had become regular so I don't consider it irregular anymore..."

knowing that the hard work I put in now will benefit me in the future

A little out of place. If you're being honest enough to talk about messy bed head and "much needed showers," I don't think inserting this fits with your essay

passionately consummate in his profession

Can't help but find this awkward. Even if it has two meanings, "passionately consummate?"...

Whoa. This just took a turn from refreshingly honest and colorful to talking about your academic passions and intentions... You have so many things to work with from this essay that make you "unique and colorful," so don't end with talking about medicine/school, they tried to steer you away from that with "Beyond your impressive academic credentials..."


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