"Medical Supplies" - UC Application Essay #1 - Essay about the world I come from & dreams

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The office chair I sat on slowly revolved as I repositioned my foot that had fallen asleep. As I was spinning, I tossed the paperclip that I had previously been playing with onto the long desk in front of me. In the corner of the room, I could see the top of my mom's head over a tall stack of papers and files. Although I couldn't see her, I knew she was typing because the keyboard's constant clatter was the only thing breaking the silence. Other than the two of us, there was no one else was here at the office. The only things that helped fill the room were the wheelchairs, walkers, and other medical equipment that were ready to be shipped out. The colorful mobility scooters that were parked in front of the office were contrasted by the iron barred room that held the oxygen tanks.

That was all my world was.

Every day I sat on that office chair, and every day I tried to pass the time however I could. I counted the number of ceiling tiles that covered the office. I toyed with some plastic tubes that surely connect to an expensive machine stored in the backroom. I even measured the heights of the different types of wheelchairs. The most interesting part of the day was the rare entrance of a customer willing to purchase one of the peculiar instruments that I seemed to spend all my time with.

"How does this work?" I asked my mom while pointing at a small, grey rectangular box. She told me it was a CPAP machine and that it was used to help people with sleep apnea. I asked what that meant, but I couldn't bare the meager explanations that my mom gave me, so I discovered the answers on my own.

I researched about sleep apnea, about what it does to the body, and about how the CPAP machines help those who suffer from the disorder. I was enthralled by its inner workings. I was amazed because I couldn't believe that a small machine that pumps air could help so many people.

My curiosity spread like fire. I begged my mom to drive us to the library so I could check out some books about human anatomy. I spent hours of my time researching obscure topics such as tissue regeneration and blood flow. I soon became acquainted with many different topics, extending my knowledge far beyond the realm of medical supplies and equipment.

This interest in medicine has followed me throughout high school. I was so keen to express this desire that I made medicine my topic for my senior year project. With my mentor (who I met through my mom's company) I learned about the effects of different illnesses and the way medical supplies are used to assist these patients.

Had my mom never brought me to her office, I wonder if my dreams and aspirations would be different. My constant thirst for knowledge and fascination of the human body has led me to become the person I am today. It was a result of a strange combination of curiosity and an atypical environment for a child. I'm thankful for all that my world was and am hopeful that what I've learned can be used in my experiences to come.

~554 words

What I would like help on:
Grammar/spelling mistakes
Continuity of the story
The impact of the story-I want there to be a clear connection between the medical supplies and my dreams to go into the medical field. CAN YOU SEE THE CONNECTION CLEARLY?

Thank you in advance!

As another high school student, I think your essay is very well written. You vividly described the world and showed a direct connection to your dreams.

I did, however, had to scroll back two or three times to check for your actual "dreams and aspirations". I think it'd be helpful if you touch on your actual dreams a little bit, not too much though, a slight tough is enough.

Overall, great essay!

.... helped you with reducing one word :D


I feel you have achieved this because your response is in line with;
- "World" is a versatile term. The prompt gives "your family, community and school" as examples of possible "worlds," but they are just three examples. Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? Is it your team? The local animal shelter? Your grandmother's kitchen table? Your church? The pages of a book? Someplace where your imagination likes to wander? ... this is my framework for this task :D

Thanks a lot guys. Positive reinforcement really does encourage me; the addition of your criticisms and suggested fixes is also a great help. I'll work on it some more.