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Melody of life ------- A story about music and movies


zealzou 11 / 54  
Oct 13, 2009   #1
I want to use this passage as "additional information" for UWM and "Writing Sample" for Hamilton. Please help me review it and see it the thesis was appropriate for the prompts above. Thanks a lot!

Melody of Life

I never forget that afternoon I first watched Schindler's List. I sat silently before the screen, listening to the faint violin lingering on the dim figures. At the end, the pure notes of the piano was the last straw that pushed me sob softly with the people who walked pass Schindler's cemetery and put a stone on it There have never been a film that moved me so much, and there have never been so touching music which I revive alone every silent night its duet with solitude. Music is the spirit of a movie, especially for me, who loves music and movie both.

I learned the piano form the age of 5. In high school, the infatuation of films made me a movie maker. I embraced different genres with various topics in movies. What is the method of making incidental music? I speculated. See those famous pieces: A blue trumpet echoing in the mist on Atlantic draws out the legend of 1900; a pure white melody flowing with a feather brings us to the fairy tale of Forest Gump. Sound, picture, and mood, those three features can coexist harmoniously. Music is not just the flow of sounds; it can be happy or sad, heroic or romantic. Music has emotion.

Looking from a broader prospective, life is also an enormous set of motion pictures. It is an artistic way to fill music into our everyday scenes, just like adding flavoring of mood to the recipes of life. With the presence of colorful moods, life is also becoming poetic.

I played Viva La Vida for our soccer team before a match. When the vibrant sounds echoed, I was filled with a longing for bright sunlight and flourishing life. Our players were extremely excited. The heavy beats struck according to our heartbeats, presenting to us the waving flags of roaring fans, boiling air in stadiums and players' sweat blended with mud on their faces. The music added hormone into our muscle...

It might be funny looking at the scene. But when I was entirely inside it, music gave me so strong feeling. We have joy and pain. These ups and downs make our life so colorful. Music contains similar elements; it is the melody of life.

Music is beautiful only when it contains changing tones. In the same way, Life is enjoyable only when we are not playing in a monotonous rhythm. Continuous stress without relax will cause our strain of life over tightened, even rupture. A tune is dulcet when all different sounds appear. Similarly, our days are exciting when we can explore the world of knowledge, beauty, and love. My longing for the beauty of melodies arises when I am trapped by everyday dull routines. I am not satisfied with leading a bland life; I am pursuing happiness, trying to make life splendid to chase the echoes in my heart.

I continue to find music, add music, even when I am not making a movie. But sometimes I add not just music, but the passion it contains. In other words, I am still making a movie of lifetime, whose title is: Life is Beautiful.

I reduce the words to 522 from over 800... Please review...Thanks!

OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Oct 13, 2009   #2
Please help me...I am waiting eagerly for the answer...!
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Oct 14, 2009   #3
Once more...waiting for your review...
eternal flame 6 / 18  
Oct 14, 2009   #4
I learned the piano form the age of 5 => you mean "from the early age of five"?

broader prospective => broader perspective

I like the vivid details in your essay, but maybe you need to make your it a little more coherent.

Cheers =)
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Oct 14, 2009   #5
eternal flame
so sily mistakes...prospective & perspective ...that's what appears every time in SAT grammer...thanks~~
you mean that my major problem is in grammer? ok I will work on that,read aloud several times.

Besides, how do you feel about the theme and contents ?...thank u ..

Waiting for more reviews...thanks....dear moderators....
samcguff - / 12  
Oct 14, 2009   #6
You're writing isn't bad- you have good ideas and obviously like to write. However, your grammar and tense really hold you back.

I never forget that afternoon I first watched Schindler's List. I sat silently before the screen, listening to the faint violin lingering on the dim figures. At the end, the pure notes of the piano was the last straw that pushed me sob softly with the people who walked pass Schindler's cemetery and put a stone on it Therehave never been a film that moved me so much, and there have never been so touching music which I revive alone every silent night its duet with solitude. Music is the spirit of a movie, especially for me, who loves music and movie both.

All these bolded parts are areas of awkward tense or grammar that are infused in your first paragraph. For example, "I never forget that afternoon" should be "I never forgot that afternoon", or "There have never been" should be "I've never experienced..." or "There has never been".

The reds are spots where you left something out, like a period or a word between words.

Throughout your essay there are errors like these. They hold you back, and make it very difficult to feel the emotions behind your writing. My suggestion would be sit down with an english teacher, and help her adjust your tense and grammar within your essay.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Oct 14, 2009   #7
samcguff
I am sorry that I have so many grammer mistake...that's a severe problem. I will revise it carefully on the language.


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