member of the Philippine Society of Youth Science Camp-EXPERIENCES DEFINED YOU AS A PERSON

Please help me with my personal essay. I think its not that good. :((( Please. help me

I am an active member of the Philippine Society of Youth Science Camp (PSYSC),
Catanduanes and National Chapter . Every year, I am one of the participants/delegates of our school in the National PSYSC. In fact, I was the Vice President of our chapter from 2012 up to 2014. The experiences I had in this kind of organization had helped my personality a lot. I actively join in the activities and earned awards that helped boost myself and academic upliftment. My interaction to different schools nationally had developed my talent and self-confidence. It made me strong as a person.

My exposure then, in the National Convention of the Children's Museum and Library Inc. (CMLI) in Baguio City and the Children's Science Interactive Workshop (CSIW) held in Davao and Aklan during my elementary grades had gave me an edge to some students because I become a better individual. We dealt and compete with different students from different schools entire the Philippines. I was challenged and started to become independent.

I am a consistent honor student from elementary grades up to present and vying for Valedictorian this school year. As the President of the Student Body Organization of the High School Department of the Catanduanes State University Laboratory Schools and also the President of the Interact Club of Virac (A Rotary Club for the Youth), I learned to interact with people from different walks of life. My leadership ability was challenged. We had community services through feeding programs, and lined-up activities such as book donations and proper solid waste management disposal program in our school.

When I became the Champion of the 12th Catanduanes Cong. Cesar V. Sarmiento Oratorical Cup last December 6, 2013 the panel of judges told me that I can be a good lawyer someday. From there, I got the idea of pursuing law because I believe this is my field. That is why, I opt to choose Ateneo de Manila because I know Ateneo can give me the quality of education I deserve. Notwithstanding the skills and training I will gain, thus becoming globally competitive someday.

thanks!

Rewrite it. The 1st sentence is redundant from your application. Dont repeat information already listed. The ending is confusing and makes you sound like Yoda from Star Wars. No challenges or diversity are listed in your essay. They probably get millions just like yours with endless talks about how amazing they are and reject them all too.

It doesnt sound humble or someone who has grown.

You dont even talk what your real passion is or why Ateneo is a match on values you both have

Nothing on family either...