"I could have been the member of the same lot..." Personal Essay

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful

"I could have been the member of the same lot............."
"They are not educated and are unaware of their right, still I can teach them"-I told myself. The blunt answer which they gave in return was -"I cannot leave it, this is my life .Do you want me to perish?" These lines struck me when I asked some of my village mates to give up the chewing of supari and the addiction which trapped their life. I could have been the member of same lot.

The people in my village are full of stereotypes, myths and, old and unreasonable traditions. I have seen an Oldman of about 80 years calling me 'Malik' (The Lord) because I belonged to an upper caste. People are divided into castes and if a lower caste people touch an upper caste member, they are prone to be punished or the upper caste member has to bath before entering into his house. This untouchability is not encouraged while sharing of wine and supari (Gutkha).The situation is so pathetic that a child of 10 years steals money from the house to buy cigarettes and supari. Even my friends are victims of this addiction. While I am there in the village, I ask them to leave that habit and try to convince how it can be fatal for their health. The blunt answer they give me is that they can't leave that or else they will not be able to survive. This really stroke my heart. They are not educated and are unaware of their rights. They are always exploited as corruption has its hold in my village too. Any government scheme hardly reach them even if it is meant for them, and the PDS (Public Distribution System) is the best way to betray the poor and vulnerable souls. No one can raise their voice because many of them are unaware and those who are aware do not dare.

I do not have a very encouraging background .I belong to a very rural and underdeveloped place in India. My father is the only earning member in my family and my mother is a house wife. My father is a farmer who works day in day out to support our (mine and my younger brother's) education. My village very far in development and education from the rest of the world. I would have been the member of same lot in my village, if Vidyagyan would not have been there in my life. My all realizations changed and unlike my friends I have dreams to achieve .I always think of them and realize the difference between them and me.

Cracking the entrance exam of Vidyagyan Leadership Academy changed me entirely. I was raised up like a lotus which grows up despite the murkiness of its surroundings. My talent and my skills were sharpened by my teachers in the robust environment of the school. Teachers looked at my holistic development and turned from an innocent soul of 10 years to a well-developed and aware cosmopolitan personality of 16.Vidyagyan gave me an opportunity to compete with the world and helped me to make all my challenges into my strengths. I have never dreamt of speaking in English but my teachers incited me to learn it and then I worked hard, learnt words, practiced in front of the mirror and made my biggest weakness a real strength. An individual's strength is never identified till it has been put to test so, was my inapt capacity of mathematical calculations untapped till I garnered the courage to solve a question on Compound interest put forth by the teacher to a class of 30 and applauded by my teacher for my quick calculating capacity and application of the concept. Solving the problem from the podium of the teacher gave me an immense boost and I realized if I can do it here , I can well pursue it ahead. I went on to further strengthen my area of interest by participating in math's quiz, exhibitions and was instrumental in giving certain ideas in the development of the Math Park of the school.It was a delight to see my ideas on fractions being transformed to travelling steps. My interest has propelled me to take up Research on Geometrical Representation of Complex Numbers.

Vidyagyan developed a leader inside me who aspire to change the scenario of his roots. My focus has always been those hopes who consider me the one who can bring the change in the village. I want to go back to the village and want to become a person whom the people can vie with. Without achieving something it is very difficult to convince the village people that what education can do to them-can end smoking, drinking, and untouchability. I aspire to change the worse scenario of the village to the best environment where no child steals but is lured to go to schools because I think the 'Education for all is the cure of all evils on this Earth'.

..., still I can teach them"-, I told myself.
was - ,"I cannot leave it, this is my our life .Do you want me us to perish?" Before this sentence you have used plural i.e. they and in this sentence you have used 'me'.You have to keep in mind small mistakes also.

if a lower caste peopleperson . There can be a better word with you. Its just an example

@abdon786
Amrish, I'm assuming that this is your essay for one of those prompts from common app? Well, your essay appears to have exceeded the word-limit for Common App essays(i.e.650 words). I suggest you to discard those redundant descriptions of rural ignorance -"Oldman//Malik//Gutkha"and make it more comprehensive.

Amrish, it seems to me that the first 2 paragraphs of your essay are meant as more of an illustration of the caste system that exists in India and less about your background story. There is no need to go into such a detailed, descriptive narration of the class system in your country because the reviewer is not interested in that story.

In my opinion, the true strength of your essay lies in the 3rd paragraph which actually focuses on your background, family, sense of identity, and interests. Therefore, removing the first 2 paragraphs, which currently split the focus on your essay discussion, will only serve to create a better and stronger topic for discussion that the reviewer can consider as part of your application.

Concentrate on your background, don't involve the Indian caste and social system in the discussion. They are not relevant to the prompt. In fact, that information is not even required by the reviewer. So omitting that information will be the best way to edit and focus your essay response to the prompt.

@Holt
Thank u Sir,
Your suggestions mean a lot to me.
I will edit it and send it back to you for rechecking.

...
"They are not educated and are unaware of their right...
... and the addiction which trapped their life lives.

Try using more synonyms, different sentence structures, less helping words, it will raise reader's perception level