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"Mental Transformation" - UC; World I come from


Mellowjedi203 1 / 2 1  
Nov 26, 2013   #1
Please be brutally honest, but sensible. Here's the prompt. ( disregard paragraph spacing )

"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

I come from a family with a long history of shortened and undersized education. Both of my parents were born into large families in which they were frequently told that college wasn't a high life priority. They went through high school with no intent of continuing their education after graduating because of harsh financial issues and the lack of encouragement. Subsequently, they had no one to look up to as a role model, no one to compel them forward.[..]
Kalikratia 1 / 8 2  
Nov 26, 2013   #2
I feel like the first body paragraph is definitely lacking something. I think you could connect the way your parents grew up to your 9th and 10th grade self. I mean, watching them made you not care too much for college right? (even though they pleaded you to be better, you still might have been affected by them somehow) But then something clicked. Make that connection. The first paragraph is just lacking and doesn't define you, other than you were lazy and i'm sure there is so much more to tell than that. Definitely think about your parents, and how they might have affected you, and instead of outright stating that, incorporate it into a story. I hope i helped.

BTW, LOOOOVE THIS:

I plan on continuing this robust academic life style and know that one day success will overshadow the isolated moments of self doubt.
haayounglee 2 / 7 2  
Nov 26, 2013   #3
The essay is very well-written and eloquent as a whole. Well done!

I think adding in an anecdote about a cultural experience at home or even about an interesting event that happened at school would really strengthen your opening paragraph, though.

Try telling the story in a way that is unique to your personality.
Kondite - / 44 9  
Nov 26, 2013   #4
I come from a family with a long history of shortened and undersized education. Both of my parents were born into large families in which they were frequently told that college wasn't a high life priority.Both of my parents, who were frequently told that college wasn't a high priority, were born into large families. They went through high school with no intent of continuing their education after graduating because of harsh financial issues and the lack of encouragement. Subsequently, they had no one to look up to as a role model,and no one to compel them forward.

As a potential first generation college student, I want to put an end to the common notion ofthatbelievingthat pursuing further and higher education isn't a big deal. Although, I must admit,that I didn't always have the desire to do so (vague ).
During my 9th and 10th grades of my high school career, I constantly neglected my parent's pleads on the significance of attaining a college education,.lackedLacking ambition, andI wasn't driven by thevigor (use a different word ) that could ultimately get me there. I was just going through the motions of high school with an impassive sense of care for the future. The entirety (use a different word ) of college didn't seem to allure me into a phase of motivation that could enable me to chase after it.
Needless to say, I wasn't going anywhere in life with mythis state of mind.
Then alas, in the midst of nothing, something clicked. Something nothing short of an epiphany; , something had finally caught up to me and truly broadened the views of my future college endeavors. Not only did my thoughts of college change, but my perspective of life as well. A strong interest in anything that had to do with learning was evoked from deep within me. I can now confidently say that my intellectual vision is cleared up and unobstructed by thoughts of apathy and laziness.
During the process of this mental transformation, I created an entirelychanged to a new me. I changed my overall image by altering the way I spoke with my peers, carried myself (??? ), and lived my life;, all for the better.
Hoping to make up for the inadequate effort exhibited by myin 9th and 10th grade selves, I immediately began to apply myself (??? ). I enrolled myself in classes that I knew would be academically challenging, and I made it my goal to pass them. I plan on continuing thisto continue m y robust academic life style and know that one day that success will overshadow the isolated moments of self doubt.
Till this day, I can't quite put my finger on what it was that helped me get my act together, but I thank God for allowing itme to ultimately renovate (???/renovate like remodeling? ) the path I was taking in life.

Because you are a first generation student, I have edited your essay in depth. Because my edits may not be the most thorough, go over your essay with your teachers and peers. Here is a suggestion: Instead of pondering what that "something" was, you gotta find what made you click. Go more into that "something" that changed who you were. If you can incorporate it, it will make your essay 1000 times stronger.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 8, 2013   #5
I come from a family with a long history of shortened and undersized education.

I come from a family, which , for generations, didn't place much value for education.

Both of my parents were born into large families in which they were frequently told that college wasn't a high life priority.

Both my parents were born into large families in which they were frequently told that college wasn't a high priority in life.

They went through high school with no intent of continuing their education after graduating because of harsh financial issues and the lack of encouragement.

They attended high school with no intention of continuing their studies further, both due to financial constraints and lack of encouragement.


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