Prompt 1: "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Please critique, and edit! What should I add or remove?
A moment of my childhood I could never forget was when my mother and father had divorced each other. The first time I heard of the news was from my mother, but at that age I could not comprehend the situation. I moved to California with only my sister to live with our relatives because my mother was single, and she could not financially support my sister and me. In California, a relative explained to me what had happened; my father had cheated on my mother. I felt very disappointed in my father because he the person I would look up to and he was a role model to me. Even without my parents directly in my life, I wanted to succeed in life.
My sister was affected by our parent's divorce. I did not want her to feel sadness so, as we grew up I wanted to become a parental figure because I felt a need to fill in the role for my parents not being there. I became more responsible at school and at home. At school I started turning in all my homework and studied for all test and quizzes, and at home I would help around the house with chores such as washing the dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, and sweeping the floors. At first it was difficult to take on the new responsibility, but it was worth the difficulties because it taught me how to really be a role model. It allowed me to show my sister we could live a great life, even if our parents were not there to physically support us through life.
By being a mentor for my sister, it was made clear to me that helping another person was an enjoyable experience. I decided to apply to a volunteer program at a hospital. I wanted help the patients have a more comfortable stay. I could also assist the hospital workers and make their job more relaxing. To surprise the patients I brought a ukulele to the hospital and played songs for the patients. At the end each song, they would tell me that I made their stay more pleasant. The end of a volunteering session was very satisfying because I would always feel appreciated, and it would push me to work harder the next day. By working harder, I could assist more people and surpass the expectation of my desire.
My passion to help people had a great impact in my life. It allowed me to become the person I am today, a person who enjoys and want to aid those who require help. I want to explore a major that relates to helping people less fortunate than I am. My love of science could allow me to choose many ways, such as medicine, to provide crucial help to those people. I believe that college has the opportunities of improving my skills and my capability of aiding others. By taking classes in college and joining organizations to help others, I could increase my knowledge and experience in the field and truly aid others. Since college would be revenue for these properties, it is important for me to college so that I could fulfill my dream.
"Since college would be revenue for these properties, it is important for me to go college so that I could fulfill my dream." Revenue for these properties? I would try to find different words to describe this.
"By being a mentor for my sister, it was made clear to me that helping another person was an enjoyable experience. I decided to apply to a volunteer program at a hospital. I wanted help the patients have a more comfortable stay. I could also assist the hospital workers and make their job more relaxing. I would combine the above two sentence . To surprise the patients I brought a ukulele to the hospital and played songs for the patients. At the end each song, they would tell me that I made their stay more pleasant. The end of a volunteering session was very satisfying because I would always feel appreciated, and it would push me to work harder the next day. By working harder, I could assist more people and surpass the expectation of my desire." surpass the expectation of my desire? That's a lot of words for what you're trying to say. Also take the "the" out before patients.
Overall, this is written well, addresses everything that the prompt is asking and reveals something about you. But I think you could add more to your descriptions. It seems to be a little too mundane and straightforward.
Take a look at my UC Prompt 1 if you have the chance.
