Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The merciless water gave meaning and purpose to my life. One week after my family moved to the United States, we went to a friend's house for a pool party. The friendly atmosphere and the familiar usage of the Chinese language soon initiated conversation between the guests. The adults were so busy socializing and the kids were having so much fun playing that no one noticed that my little five-year-old sister was nowhere to be seen. When the host of the party came to the backyard to inform everyone that lunch was ready, his face turned ghostly white as he pointed to the deep end of the pool and gasped, "Why is that child over here floating with her face down and not moving?"
Instantly, seventeen pairs of fear-stricken eyes followed the direction where he pointed. My entire world started to spin when I saw my sister's pale and lifeless face as she was lifted out of the water. My sister! The only person in this world who would pat my back with her tiny hands and tell me that everything will be okay when I felt my world was falling apart. My sister! My only and truest companion in this foreign land called America. Memories of our childhood play flooded my mind. Is she gone forever?
The entire group fell silent as one of the adults knelt down beside my sister and immediately started giving her CPR. With my eyes following his every move, I held my breath and watched. After what seemed like an eternity, an almost inaudible cough came out from my sister's throat. As the man continued with the CPR, large amounts of water violently purged out from my sister's mouth.
I will never forget the moment I saw my sister's eyes open. Emotions overpowered me as I ran forward and put my arms around her little body, trying to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes. At that moment, nothing else in this world mattered. I have only one sister and her near-death incident made me realize how much she meant to me. As I watched my parents and the rest of the group hugging my sister and one another, I pledged to myself that I would always cherish the ephemeral moments of my life and will always watch after my sister to prevent something like that from ever happening again.
It has been six years since the incident, but the memory of my sister's near-drowning is still etched into my brain like it just happened yesterday. At age eleven, I began my quest to live the rest of my life to the fullest. Since then I have reexamined my life goals from time to time to make sure that I remained on track. This experience will serve as my constant reminder to always cherish the times I get to spend with my family and friends. Life is too short for me to let it drift on, faced down, without purpose.
Please give me some suggestions on how to revise it.
Feel free to tear it apart!
It sounds very well as far as picturing the incident. However, it may be a little short. You can talk about how your life would've been without her and go deeper with the relationship you have with your sister.
"My entire world started to spin when I saw my sister's pale and lifeless face as she was lifted out of the water."
this is a very nice sentence. however, it sounds grammatically incorrect.
When I saw my sister's body being lifted out of the water, her pale and lifeless face made my world spin violently. that may sound better, but that's just me.
I really do like your essay but try lengthening it out more. It sounded like it just did this and that to you but go deeper with detail on HOW it did that to you.
Once again, this essay brings out a visual picture, but it can be expanded much much more!
Oh yeah, can you edit/opinion/proofread my essay too? It's the same prompt as you =] thanks!
-Emmeline
