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Message in drift bottle-UNC at Chapel Hill

yisha 6 / 33 8  
Jan 6, 2013   #1
Deadine is tomorrow! If you need help, I am willing to give out my comments.
Did I clearly express the main idea?
Please point out my grammatical problems.
Thank you!

You just put a message in a bottle and threw the bottle out to sea. What is the message?(approximately 500 words.)

When I am worried and unhappy, I always send out my annoyance through an online drift bottle. Recently something regretful happened, but this time if I get a chance to throw a bottle with my message out to the ocean, I hope the receiver can understand my feeling at this moment. Please cherish your time, and pursue your dream.

When I was a little child, I knew the concept of death from the TV. "Will I die? What will I feel after I am dead?" I thought about these questions for a whole night. Yet, seeing the outside gradually turned bright from completely darkness, I got no answer. But now I gradually got new understandings.

A few days ago, I was informed that Kaling, my classmate in China, passed away because of leukemia. Her life stopped at her best age forever. Immediately I felt like sorrow knocked at my heart. Reading her blog, I could feel her pain, disappointment, as well as her optimism and goal; she was still the tenacious girl. It was hard to imagine the agonizing nights she experienced when she could not fall asleep without sleeping pills and anodynes. Headache, dizziness, nausea, everything was so unbearable. Soon the sickness even affected her sight, but the solution had not found yet. Her photos clearly revealed her haggard face, yet her shining eyes hinted her smile, although she was wearing a mask. Certainly sometimes Kaling wrote something about her sufferings and even wanted to give up, but it was her dream that invariably supported her to survive. I remember her brillient face when she said that she intended to study abroad. In her passage, she mentioned her goal for mant times, with hope and optimism. "Now I've learned to be optimistic. I have a dream. I still have so many things that I wanna do, so I must get better!"

The entire world suddenly turned indistict. She was such an outstanding girl, but she no longer had chances to pursue her dream and her ideal life, even though she had a strong desire to live and fulfill her dream. Feeling sorrowful, I started thinking about myself. Life is the priceless gift. Now I still have time to explore the possibiliy of my future, and to strive for my dream, so there is no reason to sit around and waste my time. I don't want to feel regret if I have to face the day when I was announced I have no more time. I want to go to the university. I plan to receive the postgraduate certificate. I intend to work in statistics or science career. I feel like traveling around to feel the world. I hope my future could be wonderful and colorful. All my endeavors, both in academics and extra-curricular experience, are helping me get mature and approach my goals. Cherish my time, and pursue my dream. That is what I could think about, and I hope others could make some changes to have more meaningful life.

Th25cc 2 / 90 26  
Jan 6, 2013   #2
Too much of your essay is a discussion of yourself rather than a discussion of a message. I would think this message should include content other than what you intend to do at UNC. Perhaps you could incorporate some of your stories into a broader life lesson while eliminating extraneous material about you personally.

The essay is still fairly good - I'm just not sure if this is what UNC is looking for. Also, be careful with sad stories - so many applicants include them.

Good luck with your application and essay!
OP yisha 6 / 33 8  
Jan 6, 2013   #3
Thank you! Any other comments? NEED HELP! URGENT!!
OP yisha 6 / 33 8  
Jan 7, 2013   #4
Bump! PLEASE NEED HELP! I promise I will help back!

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