So this is prompt #1 from UC applications which is : Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I want to know if my personal essay addresses the prompt, and if there are any changes you suggest that may help. Thank you!!
Oh! Also, if you guys can help me on my conclusion I am really stuck!! Thank you again! So much!
Growing up in a Mexican-American community where single parent homes and poverty is very common has not always been easy. I have continuously seen children and young adults choose to go through the wrong paths because of the lack of support. Many are influenced into gang affiliation and drug use. Fortunately, my family has always been there to guide me through the right and help me stay out of trouble.
My parents migrated to the United States over 20 years ago in search for opportunity, and to provide children a chance to live the life they never could. As a child coming from a world of poverty, my father was raised in a home with a widow father who remarried and spent very little or no time with his children. But despite the circumstances, he managed to keep his head up and though times were rough, he managed to stay on the road of success. Having nobody as support or inspiration, he finished high school, went on to a university, and studied animal science. Sadly, as he and my mother arrived to the United States it was a very harsh struggle for them from the lack of money. Although my father was a veterinarian, his services were not of any use in the United States since he did not know how to speak English. All the hard work he put into school and all the studying was as if it had gone to waste, but he sacrificed all that he had in search for better opportunities for his children.
My father gave away too much for it to be thrown away, which is the reason I feel the need to take advantage of all the opportunities I was given. I plan to follow his footsteps, to continue my studies after high school and become a veterinarian as well. My passion for animals has been immense; it is something I knew I wanted to work with as a child. So far, my three eldest siblings have managed to reach for success in college which is also something I plan to achieve. The fact that all my siblings have done very well in college adds pressure on me to do the same or better. The pressure that I have also makes me very motivated to start my own path and have the chance to make my parents proud. It has made me a very ambitious person; my family has given me all the support possible and has inspired me to do the best of my ability.
Although my parents did not arrive at the best community, they managed to provide us with better opportunities.
Hello, BigReeks
The essay is good, however I don't think you answer the question correctly. Eventhough UC asks you to tell about "the world" you come from, they want to know about YOU, how this world has changed the person you are, how it made YOU struggle, not your parents. You need to tell them more about yourself and reduce the part where you tell about your parents. As I'm also applying to this university, I have found a wonderful website, where it's written how to write this essay:
Hope it helps you :)
Rewritten, Feedback please!!!!!
Growing up in a Mexican-American community where single parent homes and poverty are very common has not been easy. I have seen children and young adults choose to take the wrong path due to the lack of parental support. As a result, many young adults are influenced into gang affiliation and drug use. Fortunately, I have been blessed with a family that has illuminated my journey by influencing me through a path that has set me far apart from the norms in my community.
My parents migrated into United States over 25 years ago in search of prosperity, and a chance to provide their children with a the life they never had filled with opportunity. My father was raised in a home with a widowed father who remarried and set his children aside. Despite the circumstances, and without the support, he finished high school, went on to a university, and found the inspiration to study animal science. Unfortunately, as he and my mother arrived to the United States his veterinary degree had no meaning because he did not know how to speak English. The hard work and dedication he put into school had gone to waste. Even with the setback, he sacrificed everything he had in search of better opportunities for his children. I have taken advantage because I understand others do not have the same fortune.
I share my father's love for animals which is why I will continue my studies after high school and become a veterinarian. The mutual love we have has inspired me to pursue this career and give back to the community by providing services that I both love and I know will prove to be beneficial. Becoming veterinarian is more than a job for me, it would be the realization of a vision I've had for many years now. The roots I have to my community, my family's' influence and my personal experiences have all contributed to the perspective I have of education; an opportunity to combine ones love and interests and use it to contribute as a fully functioning member of society. I am striving to become a veterinarian not only to become successful person, but also to become a person of value.
I understand no one can predict the future, but I also recognize that the future can be planned for and molded by the decisions we make today. I have invested a generous amount of time to education as I know it will lead me to great achievements. Understanding hard work is a direct reciprocal of the amount we achieve is the key component that has lead me this far. I am proud to be from my community, it's a reminder that lets me know I have made it this far despite the odds against me. These odds will keep appearing but I never leave my education to chance, I make conscious decisions to plan ahead and commit myself to the achievement of my educational goals.
