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'a Mexican in Egypt and New York City' - Roomates? BU Supplement!

Cleopatra 8 / 22  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
As you all know, the BU deadline is in two days and I need to have this essay perfected!
Please be brutally honest and address whatever you see fit for correction!

Growing up in the suburbs of Staten Island introduced me to a regular American childhood. Therefore, I need not explain how different my life became when my family and I moved to Cairo, Egypt, my father's homeland. Every weekend became a weekend of loud music, eccentric foods, and strange Egyptian humor that could not resemble American humor any less. Being a teenager in Cairo sadly limited my acquaintances to only Egyptians but did not limit my cravings of diversity. I was always on the hunt for different and, what seemed to me at the time, exotic people. I had, by then, learned Arabic on top of English and was tackling the language spreading like wildfire: French. My friends, as diversely limited as myself, were amazed at my mother's weekly servings of tacos and Mexican dishes, always astounded by the fact that there was a Mexican in Egypt.

For my senior year of high school, I relocated to New York City, the most diverse city in the world. Since I landed, I have been eagerly adapting to my surroundings and embracing the different races that surround me. I have even set a new goal for myself: to learn at least 3 more languages by the time I will be thirty. So you see, I am astonished by different cultures and all they have to offer. The languages, music, food, and personalities certain cultures generate fascinate me and, being the kind of person who must experience in order to learn, I am more than excited to learn and attempt to live the lives of different people.

As my roommate, if you can offer any sort of vivid cultural background, I will be more than happy to listen, learn, and live your lifestyle with you. In return, I will teach you Arabic, how to belly dance, and even cook you the best cuisine Egyptian food has to offer. I will also explain to you how to pronounce certain French words and describe to you special Mexican holidays. In such a manner, I will walk you through the lifestyle I am accustomed to and welcome you into the assortment of cultures I embrace in my life. Throughout our years as roommates, I will take you to all the exotic restaurants I can find in Boston and introduce to you all the different people I hope to meet.

Living in a diverse household in a not as diverse country for most of my life has built up in me the need to explore all the cultures the world has to offer. You will come to realize that I am a vigorous person whose energy is hard to kill. I will drag you to the most bizarre shows, unexpected places, and unforgettable experiences. My goal throughout our four years together is to create memories with various people by doing extraordinary things that will become stories for our children to enjoy and look forward to imitating. I cannot wait to meet you.

Regards, Lila Hassan
Pradodiana1 3 / 17  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
Hello, thank you so much for helping me with my William and Mary essay!
I think this essay really shows your personal qualities. From it I get that you're highly energetic, like to explore and don't get discouraged easily.

I would change a few things though. Toward the end, you start speaking to a roommate and using the word "you." you don't need to do hat and it usually is not welcome on essays to use the word "you" from wha I've heard. You could change that and say something like: I am excited about living with a roommate and sharing my cultural background...

Also, "For my senior year of Highschool I..." this should make a new paragraph.
You should delete the words "so you see" and just leave it as "I am astonished by different cultures..."
Hope this helps! This essay really brings out your personality and your qualities!
Thank you again for helping me with mine!
pinkstarbaby 6 / 15  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
The fact that you write about your experiences in Egypt adds uniqueness to this essay. My only concern is "foods"...that just sounds a bit awkward for me. Other than that, a pretty well-written essay. It feels like an adventure to get to know you. :)
Pradodiana1 3 / 17  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
Wait, I'm sorry but I just realized that you are writing this directed to roommates. Oops! Please ignore the advice about not using "you."
zekyi 1 / 4  
Dec 30, 2011   #5
A really well written essay. good job.
I think theres just one problem.

You wrote: Since I landed, I have been eagerly adapting to my surroundings and embracing the different races that surround me.

I don't think the "I landed" bit is needed since its leaves the reader a little confused as you never refer to flying in the first place. I know its implied since you are going from Egypt to America but still. I think you should just say, Since then, ...

I hope this was helpful.

Thanks for correcting mine..=)
Musicforleisure 3 / 33  
Dec 30, 2011   #6
Hi! Thank you for your help with my essay! =)

I think this is nicely done! A very great essay!
I really feel your true passion to be exposed to different cultures
As it is already well-done, I think there is nothing much I could do but point out a bit that maybe it would be even better if you specifically list out some "bizarre" things you would do with ur roomie. Elaborate a bit more on the "unforgettable" experiences so the essay would b more vivid?

I hope this helps!

Good luck!

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