Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks a lot!
Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Deadly. Dangerous. Corrupt. Exotic. Wild. Chaotic. Lawless. Daunting. Is this what Mexico has become, or is it what the media has made it out to be? The world I come from isn't represented by those words, not the one I know at least. Peaceful. Adventurous. Alive. Spirited. Cultural. Diverse. Fun. Those are the words that come to mind when I think about Puerto Escondido, Oaxaca. Some decades ago a wandering soul and a local beauty met to form a family there. And there a family was created, in a quiet town in Southern Oaxaca, where for many years everyone knew each other. Families went to church on Sunday morning and on weekdays children rose at six am to iron their damp uniforms and make it to school by seven. Beach soccer on breezy afternoons, watching the surf on Saturday mornings and occasional weekend fishing trips, this was my life until I was seven.
It was in 2001 when my entire family moved to Los Angeles- where my father was born- so that my siblings and eventually I would receive a higher education. Although we had visited to Los Angeles before, this was for the most part a permanent move, something new for my mother, my older brother and sister, and me who had lived in Mexico for the majority of our lives. So what will this quest for a higher education brought my family in Los Angeles? For my two siblings it has brought diplomas from California Universities. For me at the moment it has pushed toward one goal and one goal only: To get a hold of a college education.
So far it has been a long nine-year journey, facing a new school and a new language back in second grade, and then going back to Mexico for ninth grade to learn more about my culture, and then reentering American school in tenth grade. Many think it strange that I went back to Mexico just to study the ninth grade, but it was an amazing trip. Not only did I improve my Spanish and have a great time, I also got had a chance to reflect upon my life so far. Maybe not the way an adult would think about life, but I did gain some perspective. In eighth grade I started to slack off, but for some reason the challenge of learning material in Spanish pushed me to work really hard. But something else changed. When I would go back to Mexico during the summer months people would always tell me I was so lucky to live in the U.S., but I was just a kid enjoying his summer and too naive to understand the value of opportunity. During ninth grade when I was actually living in Mexico I realized there was no reason to squander the opportunity to study in California. That is why I am such a dedicated student now; not perfect but nevertheless full of drive. The fields that interest me are business, engineering and law. Of these three, I believe I will most likely to follow the business path. I have always had some connection to this profession, whether it be making money off referrals online, or simply working in my mother's clothing shop in Puerto Escondido. But whatever field I may pursue, I know it will only be an instrument in the process of becoming a more responsible and educated citizen. Not only so I can live the Angelino lifestyle- mountain, surf, sun and city- but also so that one day I can give back to both the place that gave me life and the place that gave me opportunity.
Your introduction is beautiful. I was impressed while reading it... I think the long first para needs to be divided into two, though:
Families went to church on Sunday morning and on weekdays children rose at six am to iron their damp uniforms and make it to school by seven. Beach soccer on breezy afternoons, watching the surf on Saturday mornings and occasional weekend fishing trips, this was my life until I was seven.(how about ending the paragraph here?)
Use a hyphen: nine-year
...would go back to Mexico during the summer months people would always tell me I was so lucky to live in the U.S., but I was just a kid enjoying his summer and too niece naive to understand the value of opportunity.
That is why I am such a dedicated student now; not perfect but nevertheless full of drive. ----I really like your writing style a lot.
I don't know what I want to study in college but whatever I do decide I know it will help me learn about life and become economically successful.----Not good enough! You write like a professional! I think you are capable of coming up with a TENTATIVE PLAN and describing it as a career possibility. I think you are even capable of coming up with three different likely possibilities about what you will study. I want you to have a plan now, not in the future. Make a tentative plan, and write about it in the essay. :-)
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I will be sure to improve my essay. I think now that i hear it from somebody else, I see that I'm lagging it by not taking any interest so far in any majors. I'm quite the indecisive type, but i have a pretty decent idea of what i want to study. I'll be sure to incorporate the things that interest me into my essay, along with your other suggestions.
I must say though, over the past few weeks of being on the forum I have learned a lot about writing and have improved my own skills. Not just from the feedback I've received, but also from reading and replying to others' essays. The forum is just great place to be.
Once again, thanks.
Here is a difficult sentence I would change:
So far it has been a long nine-year journey as I faced a new school and a new language back in second grade, then went back to Mexico for ninth grade to learn more about my culture, and finally reentering American school in tenth grade.
And, one more idea for you: Not only did I improve my Spanish and have a great time, but I also got had a chance to reflect upon my life so far.
:-)
