on an influential person:
It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence this person has been on my life. My hero is the kind of person who is always there for anybody under any circumstances. The kind of person who always makes time for me, even after a long day at work. He showed me the stars and taught me how to reach for them. He is someone I look up to with trust and pride. Growing up with such an inspiring, strong role model has inspired me greatly. I could not bare to imagine life without him, so who is this influential person in my life? He would be my father!
My father had an extremely rough childhood. When he was about the age of ten, his father died from a heart attack. He had to grow up pretty fast to help take care of his mother and three siblings. His brother, my uncle, was only six months old when their father died. Due to this my father had to become a fatherly figure for him. Not too long after my father completed high school, his family and him left everything they had and moved to the United States.
Here, in America, my family faced yet another obstacle. They did not speak much English and had hardly any financial support. Despite this, they were able to find jobs and worked hard to pay for rent and food. My father did not have a car, so he had to walk miles to get to work. Walking for miles was extremely tough in the winter because of the bitter cold.
My father went through many, many hardships in order to get me to where I am today. He has always provided me with the necessities in life: food, clothing, shelter, and so much more. My father sacrificed himself, so I can have more than he ever had. He has given me so much, including the most important thing in the world: his love.
From my first day of elementary school to this very day, he reminds me "studies come first." Those words are the reason I strive to make school my top priority. I know he wants me to become everything he wishes he could have become. My father has provided me with what I need to achieve my goals so that I can lead a happy and successful life.
My father also influences the way I approach life. He may have endured a lot of hardships, but he is still positive. Whenever I think of my life being tough, I think of everything he endured and all of a sudden I feel better. His teachings have made me who I am today.
My father may not be a rocket scientist, an astronaut, or a brain surgeon - he is a simple man - yet he has left the greatest impact on me. My father is the individual who has influenced me the most. He gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person; he believed in me.
, so who is this influential person in my life? He would be my father!
Just say He is my father.
his father died from a heart attack, so he had to grow up
His brother, my uncle, - if you say this here, then say: his father, my grandfather, in the previous sentence
My father had an extremely rough childhood. When he was about the age of ten, his father died from a heart attack. He had to grow up pretty fast to help take care of his mother and three siblings. His brother, my uncle, was only six months old when their father died. Due to this my father had to become a fatherly figure for him. Not too long after my father completed high school, his family and him left everything they had and moved to the United States.
ok this paragraph has wayyyy too many deaths and fathers, make it more concise, after all only 1 person died.
They did not speak - who? the antecedent is family, which is singular
He has given me so much, including the most important thing in the world: his love. awwww, but completely irrelevant. whose father doesn't love his child? BE PERSONAL
reminds - reminded
Those words are the reason I strive to make school my top priority. - why? how does that show his impact on your psychology? I get that you strive to do well in school, but just because of what he said? kinda unrealistic don't you think?
I know he wants me to become everything he wishes he could have become. - ok. no support. how?
My father has provided me with what I need to achieve my goals so that I can lead a happy and successful life. - again, no support.
My father also influences the way I approach life. He may have endured a lot of hardships, but he is still positive. Whenever I think of my life being tough, I think of everything he endured and all of a sudden I feel better. His teachings have made me who I am today. - positive and endure and teachings? really? where?
My father may not be a rocket scientist, an astronaut, or a brain surgeon - he is a simple man - yet he has left the greatest impact on me. My father is the individual who has influenced me the most. He gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person; he believed in me. - HE BELIEVED IN YOU. that's great, but coming from nowhere
Look, i don't want to destroy your essay or anything, but it fundamentally lacks backup.
It's just like this essay i wrote and showed to my english teacher (graduate from Harvard). He pretty much colored my essay in black (or red, if you prefer) and told me, you write nicely, but it's just words. You blurt out theories, result, but WHERE IS THE PROCESS?
You need to provide events in which your father believed in you or provided for you or loved you MORE THAN ANY OTHER DAD'S IN THE WORLD. that's what you need to show the admin. or else they'll be like: hen, that's just like my dad! so what? why should i accept this student?
thanks for your help! I wish you were not so rude though (:
Hi Felicia, sorry I never helped with this one. Was it successful? In November there were so many essays, some people did not get much help. Yang always gives great help, though. You have to put up with his quirky personality. :-) But no, I am just kidding. It is not rudeness.. it is just that this stuff is hard to talk about. Criticism is criticism.
