U of Michigan - Respect for Diversity - Cultural Diff. (Chinese and Americans)

First draft. Needs a lot of butchering. Also needs to be heavily cut down from 337 words to around 250 without losing the meaning (maybe I made the exp. to long?). Do I sound biased in any way? Also, feel free to make any changes or additions you feel necessary. Thanks.

"Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan. (around 250 words)

I used to study at an elementary school in the States, but I am studying at an all-Chinese Hong Kong high school.

In the Chinese classroom, we had a class discussion. I enjoy involvement in classroom discussions. However, the majority of the class was rather quiet and there were many dead moments of silence during that classroom discussion. Some had really brilliant ideas but were silent at the beginning and would only speak nearing the end. Perhaps they preferred to have exhausted all careful considerations prior to speaking up. This reminded me of discussions when I was in the States, my American classmates were more assertive and we all felt empowered to hold open discussions at ease. The experience had made me induce my Chinese classmates tend to be more conservative and full of thought before action, whereas Americans are more bold and unconstrained. Both cultural behaviors are unique and I have learned to appreciate each of their differences.

My exposure to both sides of the spectrum, both as a Chinese and an American, have made me think more deeply about diversity. Diversity is not just about culturally diversity, it is the different perspectives that occur from different people that may have an origin somewhere from their different societies and communities and beliefs. I believe diversity is an essential aspect to maturity, allowing us to appreciate differences and allow people with different beliefs to work together toward a greater good. I look forward to even more diversifying experiences to broaden my ethnic and peripheral horizons at the University of Michigan.

I used to study at an elementary school at the States, but currently I study at all-Chinese based Hong Kong high school. The experiences have been direct and I acutely sense two cultural differences at play between Chinese and Americans in as simple as in the classroom.

In the Chinese classroom, I was in English lessons with an/the? objective for an open class discussion. Myself, I enjoy classroom discussion and the involvement and I dived headfirst into the discussion with not the slightest tension. But I noticed there weren't many participants. Some had really brilliant ideas but were rather reserved at the beginning and would only speak nearing the end. Perhaps they preferred to have exhausted all careful considerations prior to any speaking up. The majority of the class was reservedmaybe a syn for reserved? and there were many dead moments of silence during that classroom discussion. Which onlyThis reminded me of similar classroom discussions when I was in the States, my American classmates were more assertive and we all feel empowered to hold open discussions and felt at ease. The experience had forced me to conclude my Chinese classmates tend to be more reserved (again repetition) and full of thought when it comes to verbal expressions in group discussion classroom settings, whereas Americans are more sociable and confident. Both cultural behaviors are unique and I have respected for both and to each their differences.

I like the solid ending and I don't think you should change it. If anything, you should work on the "experience part." Try to be more specific to cut the explanation.

I used to study at an elementary school atin the States, but currently I studyam studying at all-Chinese based Hong KongHong Kong - based Chinese high school. The experiences have been direct and I acutely sense two cultural differences at play between Chinese and Americans in as simple as ini really don't get this phrase the classroom.

Heavily revised edition, please help improve:

The first sentence is still strange. Elementary school is obviously a thing of the past - is it necessary to say you "used to study at an elementary school"?

Also, are you sure it's study AT a school and not study IN a school? this i'm not sure but it sounds weird with "at". What about

I studied in an elementary school in the States, but I am currently studying in an all-Chinese high school in Hong Kong.


This sounds very point blank and doesn't show strength in the language. Rephrase it. The I enjoy involvement in classroom discussions doesn't seem related to the class discussion in the Chinese classroom. What about

In a certain class discussion we held in the Chinese classroom, majority of the class was rather quiet...
and then you go on to describe the Chinese class discussion. Then
In contrast, my American classmates were more assertive...


The vocab in this sentence is almost all wrong! The experience had me conclude that my Chinese classmates seemed more conservative , and tended to think more before they spoke , whereas my American classmates were more bold and unrestrained.


Diversity is not just aboutcultural diversity


This sentence is also all complicated and doesn't make sense. I think I get what you're trying to say, but it is badly phrased.

it is the different perspectives people from different societies, communities and beliefs have.


This sounds slightly corny, very idealistic about "working together toward a greater good". "Ethnic and peripheral horizons"? i haven't heard people use it like that before (though this i'm not sure).

Sorry if I've been harsh, but this really needs improvement, more so for UMich.

yeah, I didnt really put too much time on this essay. I must admit greater good does sound corny too. You are not harsh at all. Sometimes a slap in the face is better than no slap at all. If there's no slap then I'm worried.