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'from a middle-class family in hong kong' - UC

lester611 1 / 2  
Nov 5, 2011   #1
please give me some opinions. Am i on the right track? Dont talk about gramma 1st, i want to know if i am in the right direction

Not watching cartoons with their parents or schoolmates but busy dodging bullets or hiding from bombs, kids in Afghanistan were worried about their own safety and filled with fear and anxiety everyday. Having their stomach filled is already a luxury to them, let alone going to schools or playing with friends. Thank god I am a very lucky person when compared to those suffering kids.

I come from a middle-class family in hong kong , a city out of wars, starvations and natural disasters. My mum is a house wife while my dad is the bread winner of our family. To others, my parents are nothing more than ordinary. But to me, they are the greatest person I have ever known and had a great impact on me. They created a warm yet rigid shelter for me, their beloved son to grow. Whenever I came across some setbacks , this shelter would provide unlimited support for me and guided me to jump over the hurdles.This is really the safest harbour for me, a little boat to park on. Besides, my home is just like another school since my parents have taught me so much. Since I was small, my parents have told me not to take everything for granted. I didn't really know what did that mean until I have grown up and know more about this cruel world, a world full of ugliness. I realized that having a safe home is not a guarantee especially when I see so much underprivileged in the city, a city that is known as one of the most prosperous city in the world, let alone those people in developing countries such as Ethiopia. I learned to cherish everything I got, my friends, my school and of course, my home.

Hong Kong adopted a spoon-feeding education policy, all the students are busy dealing with their examinations and tests. I am really lucky to have entered a school full of love and care instead of a factory which is only able to produce robots - machines only know how to deal with exam. As I first got into this school, I failed to adapt the secondary school life, not only had I difficulty in my academics, but also in fusing into the community. I had no friends and did very poorly in my academics. Students of our school were divided into four different houses. It is this great system that changed my entire school life. There were some house committee from senior form which noticed my problem and gave me their helping hands despite the fact that they were busying dealing with public examinations. They counseled me and changed my seclusive attitude. Since then, everything changed. I became an active student and actively participating in different kinds of activities such as joining the athletic team and the swimming team. Thought joining different clubs and activities, my social circle was broadened so much and I was able to meet a lot of amiable friends. At that time, I really felt our school is a warm family full of love and care and I did feel a sense of belonging that I was part of my school. Senior students were like big brothers and sisters and were able to give the needies their helping hands with unlimited conditions. That's why I became one of them - the house committee when I was in senior form, to help the school create a harmonious environment for students, give them a sense of belonging and the help the needies, like what was done on me.

From my persons and my experience in serving the school, I do believe that if one has the ability, he/she should spare no effort to give the helping hands the people in need and contribute to the community which nurtures you. Nowadays, our society is rooted with money, most people are money-oriented and do everything in order to earn more money. Pathetically, no one, even the wealthy one, is willing to come out and help the underprivileged and the needies. That's the person I want to become - to help and change the underprivileged life.
maheshsarki - / 1  
Nov 5, 2011   #2
friend i am not a expert person but i can help you just giving what your essay tell you about.
it is good that you have such unique experience ,i would suggest you to organize the thing into separate paragraph by following one paragraph one thesis statement. i hope then you will be done.

any way nice.
polk540 5 / 16  
Nov 5, 2011   #3
I come from a middle-class family in hong kong -> not necessary since you describe this later again.
a little boat to park on -> to dock on
little more description on your metaphors and terms: spoon-feeding education policy, bread winner
OP lester611 1 / 2  
Nov 5, 2011   #4
am i on the right track?
jrciii 1 / 7  
Nov 7, 2011   #5
Not an expert but all of the posts i read from a lot of people never relate their essay to how their experiences are going to help them in college you have shown set goals that you want to be the person who helps but I feel in your application essays you should relate it to how everything you've done will help you to succeed in college where you may go.
OP lester611 1 / 2  
Nov 8, 2011   #6
that's mean i should state my personal achievements?
Kenneth Tan 2 / 5  
Nov 26, 2011   #7
Be aware of the writing approach of your essay..Instead of telling something directly..Make it implicit a little bit...

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