So I can't really decide what to do so I have a few different starts on essays. I would really just like some feedback on which essay has the most potential or what I could add or take away from the essay to make it stronger. I know there are a lot of inconsistencies with tense but these are just sketches of what the final essay would be.
Chapter 53: Middle School Cross Country...Best Time of My Life
I relish the burning in my legs as I face towards the finish line and ahead at the next competitor, never looking back at the one I just passed. I don't have time to look around at the trees, some just a few years old and others hundreds. I don't have time to notice the fallen leaves covering the ground to the side of the dirt path, creating a rainbow to blanket the ground in deep reds, fading greens, and darkening browns. As I run I don't notice the shadow mimicking my every move nor do I notice the shapes of the shadows that I leave in clouds of dust raised just seconds before by the steady fall of my feet. As John Stilgoe says, "Outside lies Magic" and in my life this stands true. In my life the time that I feel most relaxed is when I am outdoors, and for me to be able to have a retreat from the tension and stress of my house and school, is magic.
To me, my cross-country course was a sacred place because of the magic the outdoors hold for me as well as the good memories that its surroundings bring back. When I am on my cross-country course it is so easy for me to sit and relax in the shade of the trees or relieve stress in the mindless concentration I have on the pattern of my breathing and the placement of my next step as I run. When I run I can get to a state where I can just relax in the feeling of my muscles flexing as I lengthen my strides on the flat parts and shorten them to push up the two steep hills. When I am at the cross-country course running I can think of what is stressing me in my life and all the problems seem so much simpler. It is so easy to work through a problem when you are in the primitive mindset of pushing yourself harder to beat your competition. When you are in that mindset you do not think about the stupid things like the cliques at your school or the constant stress to have good grades. You just do not have the energy or the need to care about the things that are, in the big scheme of things, completely irrelevant. For me this is what my cross-country course makes me think of and it helps me so much to be able to relieve some of the stress from my life.
Cross-country for me is a time to get away from all the problems of everyday life. It is a time to escape from the torn family I come from. My parents have been divorced almost all my life and the stress that comes from living in a single parent household is hard to escape. Cross-country was a way for me to relax and work off stress that came from both home and school. Although my obsession with running year round in middle school was rewarded with multiple injuries it was still one of the best times in my life.
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This essay I wrote a few years ago so I would have to rework it a little and add some things to make it fit for the prompt.
I sit on my sister's bed on one side facing the windows as she sits on the other side practically the mirror image of what I am doing. We lay on top of the jean comforter with books scattered around us from doing homework, or at least making an attempt. The lights on and it shines into our eyes as we lay listening to Blink 182 blasting from her stereo. "Do you want to go...?," we both start at the same time and then do it again saying, "Yes!," as we both get up and run downstairs to the kitchen for a snack which is really more like our dinner. Sitting on the kitchen counter I watch her as she goes over to sit on our navy blue leather sofa scarred by our my cat pushing off of it with her claws. I watch her flip on the TV. as I sit thinking of next year. I bite into a carrot taking a minute to enjoy the cool, crisp texture of the sweet carrot before I let my mind move back to what it was thinking of before. I watch my sister as I think of what my life will be like next year. The cool marble of the counter calms me as I begin to feel the dread resurface in me. My sister going off to college will be like me being an only child living alone in a four bedroom house with a guardian that occasionally feels like living their. My mind will barely let me think of it as when I do it hurts so much to think of what it will be like without my sister who is always their whether to take me to cross-country practice, choir rehearsal or just to talk things over with me and relax.
I swing my legs hitting against the wood cabinet beneath me and hear the pans hit against one another. I jump off of the counter finished with my meal and just seconds later the garage door goes up marking the homecoming of my mom at ten o'clock. My sister and I look at each other and then make a unanimous decision to go back up stairs and listen to music.
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The beginning of junior year my 2-D art teacher would give glowing remarks on my report card on my performance in his class but follow them by, "If Mary increased her production rate..." My grandfather was an artist and I have a strong interest in art that was nurtured by being surrounded with the art of my ancestors growing up. Unfortunately, when ever I work on a painting or drawing it usually took me weeks or months to finish what would take others only weeks. In a semester long course I only finished two major projects and was only proud of one of them. Second semester though I discovered my niche. I was finishing two or three works a day and was infinitely happier overall. What was the big difference? Clay.
When working with clay on the wheel you do not have the option to work on one aspect of the project for hours at a time. You have one sitting to finish the piece. I love that it forces me to be fast paced and that I do not have the option of being a perfectionist. Sometimes I will spend an entire period on one piece only to have it collapse in the last minute of class as I was putting the finishing touches on. It has taught me to be more laid back, take risks, and utilize others expertise. Often times during Ceramics club I spend my time just relaxing with friends while other works. Although this might appear as me slacking off (and sometimes it is) it also gives me time to watch others technique and gives me inspiration to try new techniques and work on new shapes for my pots.
Ceramics has been a place for me to relax in the middle of the day and keep alert the part of my brain that is not utilized during my busy schedule filled with math and science.
I'd go with either the first or the third one. Don't forget that this is supposed to be a page out of a much longer work. This means that you will probably won't want to write it like a regular narrative essay, with a clear beginning and end, as if it were a work complete in itself.
I agree with the Moderator that your 1st and 3rd responses are the strongest. I like the 3rd one the best as it shows the most about you; your connection to your family and your love for art.
I relish the burning in my legs as I race towards the finish line and ahead at the next competitor, never looking back at the one I just passed. I don't have time to look around at the trees, some just a few years old and others ancient . I don't have time to dwell on the fallen leaves covering the ground to the side of the dirt path, creating a rainbow to blanket the ground in deep reds, fading greens, and darkening browns. As I run I don't notice the shadow mimicking my every move nor do I notice the shapes of the shadows that I leave in clouds of dust raised just seconds before by the steady fall of my feet. As John Stilgoe says, "Outside lies Magic" and in my life this stands true.
You can eliminate unnecessary phrases that do not add to the essay, like "In my life the time that," below:
In my life the time that I feel most relaxed is when I am outdoors, and for me to be able to have a retreat from the tension and stress of my house and school, is magic.
Just write:
I feel most relaxed is when I am outdoors, and for me to be able to have a retreat from the tension and stress of my house and school, is magic.
Wow, I remember high school cross country. That's how I learned to write. When you have been running for over an hour, it is like deep meditation; do you get into a profound state of mind when you run?
Good luck with this!!
This might just be a person preference but do you think it would be more interesting to cut out the first sentence so it starts a little more abruptly(like a page turn) and maybe a little of the end or to add a chapter name?
Oh!! Great idea! But cut it off the beginning and put it at the end!!
I don't have time to look around at the trees, some just a few years old and others ancient. I don't have time to dwell on the fallen leaves covering the ground to the side of the dirt path, creating a rainbow to blanket the ground in deep reds, fading greens, and darkening browns. As I run I don't notice the shadow mimicking my every move nor do I notice the shapes of the shadows that I leave in clouds of dust raised just seconds before by the steady fall of my feet. As John Stilgoe says, "Outside lies Magic" and in my life this stands true. I relish the burning in my legs as I race towards the finish line, never looking back.
