prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
essay:
Friday dinner. The whole family sits round the table as weekend news are broadcast in the background. The announcer switches topic to a particularly successful army action by the army, and excitement floods my senses. My hands begin sweating as my pulse accelerates. The last two weeks race in front of my eyes like a successful espionage film. In the corner of my eye, I see my mother's gaze as she scans my face in search for any reaction, any sign that would betray involvement in the reported event. On my part, I maintain my poker face, cast down my eyes, and carry on playing with my food as if nothing occurred. Ever since I enlisted to Unit ******* in *******, many meals in my home occurred in this fashion.
In the framework of my various roles in the intelligence corps I had many significant and formative experiences. I encountered most difficult and complex problems, requiring many hours of my thought until they were resolved. I participated in forum meetings of high-ups featuring debates directly affecting State security. I worked on matters whose eventual results were publicized in diverse media. These matters at times provoked internal conflicts and even moral dilemmas that kept me awake at nights. I experienced extreme feelings of huge success and enormous satisfaction on the one hand, and on the other, I coped with difficult situations until the verge of breakdown. Nevertheless, there is no doubt that the most arduous part of challenging and diverse service such as mine was facing the same feelings and experiences alone.
My role in the army was one of the most confidential, and as such, I could not share my experienced with my closest family and friends. The first time I encountered the difficulty that was to follow me throughout the next four years of my service was upon returning home following my initial two weeks in the army. Those first two weeks were the most riveting of my life. I had been exposed to an entire world of whose existence I had been wholly unaware until that same moment. During those same two weeks, I had discovered things that made my jaw drop, technologies that even James Bond producers had never imagined. However, when family and friends started to take an interest in my activities, I found myself helpless in facing their questions, for each possible response was sensitive by its very nature. After much squirming about and evasion, the only replies that found their way to my tongue were markedly meaningless.
In time, more and more security situations making headlines were based on intelligence work in which I played a part. Frequently, a stormy conversation swirled around me concerning army events that took place recently. The army ordered us not to express opinion in such matters, since our knowledge was based on sensitive intelligence information that we were forbidden to speak of. Therefore, I was forced to avoid expressing my views, or to react to questions directed my way.
Now, however, upon reflection on those same situations, I can state that the same difficulty strengthened me in unexpected ways. All these instances in which I needed to manage alone with the successes, failures, and disappointment, all the times I felt fierce need to include those nearest me in matters that had not proceeded as I had planned or during extreme pressure to which I was subject and I could not, all these created extraordinary spiritual resilience, discipline, and self-control ability that made me a more responsible and mature person. There is no doubt that I gained tools to help me withstand all the challenges facing me. Today, I believe there is no obstacle I cannot surmount, or problem that I am unable to resolve.
I would like for you to give me the opportunity to put this belief to the test.
Thank you for your response!
Try making these revisions:
The whole family sits a round the table as the weekend news is broadcast in the background.
*The announcer switches topic to a particularly successful army action by the army, and excitement floods my senses.
If I were you I'd rewrite this as:
As the announcer switches topics to the triumph an army tactic, excitement floods my senses.
