UW Milwaukee Application Essay - experiences, talents, interests... (ANY advice/revisions?)

Prompt: Please tell us about the particular life experiences, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our specific campus that will enrich our community

my interest in connecting with people

As I spent my summer cooking at a camp for campers from third grade all the way to seniors in high school, I spent my mornings and afternoons cooking while I generally rested in the evenings at the start of the summer. Early the next I began my morning routine, but later I was approached by a co-worker I didn't know as well as others. He graciously asked if I was interested in getting to know another view of working at camp. At first, I didn't quite understand what he was talking about then he invited me to shadow him in the evenings when I finished cooking for the day. Not knowing what I was getting into I boldly said I would. Being a truly social person in my community and at home is what naturally drew me to this opportunity to shadow and get to know the campers. My co-worker, like a welcoming person he is said, have an outstretched arm, something I would find characteristic of many campers I would encounter on my journey.

Although most of my time there was spent cooking and preparing the food for the campers it turned out I would also spend many evenings getting to know the campers. Being around the campers so often didn't only allow me to teach them, but also myself. Campers with diverse backgrounds and home lives often outstretched their arms in search of someone to listen and care about what they had to say. The evening I spent sitting with the campers in their cabins I found many reasons to return the next night, wanting to create a better experience for each one of them.

By joining the community at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee I would be in a position to actively tell others about my experience as pertaining to the classroom setting as well as the social setting. My journey has provoked my interest in connecting with people not just in the classroom, but from the various campus activities and traditions. The Panther Families Association offered at Milwaukee is one I could contribute both my compassion and knowledge to. At the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee I would not only be a business student, but a member and a leader of the community.

Nicholas, it would be better for your essay if you offer up the information about the Panther Families Association upfront. Make that the focal point of your contribution to the academic and social community of UW. If you can explain the objectives of the organization, then relate the events that you told in this essay in an adjusted manner, you should be able to better offer an idea as to the kind of student, social activities, and community service that you plan to participate in or, organize as a member of the student body. Your tale of how you came to know the campers better will better resonate with the reviewer if he knows that this is how the organization does things and that you are more than willing to help enliven the student community by introducing such activities as the Panther Families Association promotes. It will create the image of a student who will most likely be active in a socio-civic setting in the university community, making you a true asset who can diversify the student community of the university indeed.