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Mini-essay for my UBC application's personal profile. Problem and/or an unfamiliar situation.


davkang 1 / 2  
Jan 13, 2017   #1
Explain how you responded to a problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. What did you do, what was the outcome, and what did you learn from the experience(max 200 words):

careful planning saves time and nerves



Two years ago I accidentally purchased a transit ticket through Seattle without an US visa. Having never applied for any visa or permit myself, I had to carefully read through all the related documents on the Department of Visa's website, went on to online forums to ask for travelers and other international students' experiences. In order to maximize my chance or acceptance, I provided multiple supplementary documents as well. After finding out that the consulate does not allow visitors to carry backpack of any sort, I convinced my friend to come with me and watch the backpack during the interview. On the day of the appointment, without any previous traveling experience in Metro Vancouver, we arrived at the consulate after four hours of traveling, one hour earlier than the plan thanks to the route I printed and memorized. Inside the consulate during the interview, I was confident and excited, instead of being nervous like I thought I would.

Since then I have been doing all my travel documents myself as well as my families', and I learned the importance of careful planning: without it I'm vulnerable to surprises; with the help of it I can face obstacles with confidence.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,025 2715  
Jan 13, 2017   #2
Dawei, congratulations on traversing the intricate world of visa procurement without the aid of anyone else. That is definitely a feat in itself and the method by which you accomplished the task, considering that was your first time doing it, is truly admirable. That particular paragraph was really well developed and presented. However, the same does not hold true for the second paragraph relating to the lesson you learned from the experience. It is too simple and straightforward. It is definitely too short to be considered an acceptable paragraph in the essay. Can you expand upon the last paragraph by at least 3 sentences? Just to make sure that you can clearly close the essay on the strongest note possible. At the moment, this seems like you rushed through the writing and development of the essay content. All because the second paragraph is underwhelming and under developed.
OP davkang 1 / 2  
Jan 13, 2017   #3
@Holt
Thank you for your advice! I did admittedly rush the second part, because I was having trouble with the development. Do you think I'm on the right track with that incomplete second paragraph? Or should I approach it differently?
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,025 2715  
Jan 14, 2017   #4
Yes, you are on the right track when it comes to the development of the overall essay content. You have actually managed to answer the prompt in a unique and personal manner. Not everyone will have had the opportunity to personally work on their papers the way that you did. So you should be proud of the topic that you chose for discussion. I am confident that it will make some sort of mark on the reviewer. Most specially if you can further develop the second paragraph. The second paragraph, like I previously said, just requires more development in relation to the first paragraph. It has the potential to close the essay on a strong note which is why I was disappointed with the first version of your closing statement. Stay on this path while developing your essay. There is nothing wrong with it. In fact, everything is going in the right direction for your response statement.
OP davkang 1 / 2  
Jan 14, 2017   #5
@Holt
It is very reassuring to hear that from you!

I have moved the sentence "Since then I have been doing all my travel documents myself as well as my families'." to the end of the first paragraph and redrafted the rest, here's the newer version of 2nd paragraph as follows:

"From this experience I learned a universal lesson that the lack of caution can give rise to repercussion; careful planning while isn't for the lazy, saves time for unnecessary trouble and makes it easier to find a head start when dealing with unfamiliar tasks. "

While it is still short, it is without the former sentence, and completely focuses on what I've learned from the experience. Plus I was unable to expand it any further due to the word limit. After cutting off lots of pieces from the first paragraph, the whole essay is still breaking the limit by 8 words. Could you please provide me any advice on that?
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,025 2715  
Jan 15, 2017   #6
The new 2nd paragraph is better focused, even though it is not as lengthy as we hoped it could be. Don't worry about the length though. You see, even if a paragraph is short, as long as it is focused and direct to the point, such as your work here, then the short paragraph will be highly effective in the overall consideration of the essay. So you are over by 8 words? That should not be hard to fix. All you have to do is shorten one or two sentences in the essay. It can be any sentence in any paragraph. Review your work and try to figure out which sentence is running a bit long that you can shorten to fit the word count. It is all a matter of revising either a few sentences or a whole paragraph. It all depends upon how you want to present the essay in its final form.


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