This is my first draft. Suggestions are welcome! I have to write another essay on family history, culture, and environment as well for UCF.
The prompt is
If there has been some obstacle or bump in the road in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
I remember that morning when I was riding the school bus very clearly. The reflection of the flashing lights in my window had caught by eye. I turned around to see the Temple Terrace Fire Department truck at the four-way stop sign I was just at. At that point, I didn't pay much attention to it. That afternoon I came home to news that our "new house" had caught fire overnight.
The "new house", as our family calls it, was my father's pride and joy. Several years ago, he had bought a property in the same neighborhood we were living in and decided to build a house on the property. My parents believed in saving every penny, so they resolved to build whatever they could themselves. After many tedious Sundays of floor-tiling and roof-shingling, the house was nearly complete.
Due to a minor electrical problem, the entire second floor as well as the roof over my parent's bedroom was destroyed in a fire. Immediately after I heard this news, my thoughts flew to my father. How was he taking this? Would he be okay? Such a large achievement had been destroyed by a spontaneous blaze. Upon arriving to the house, my father gave me a strong bear-hug and said, "Everything will be okay." I carry these words with me always. Whenever the fear of failure haunts me, these words remind me to persevere. Like how my family salvaged and rebuilt, I learn every day to pick up the pieces and start anew.
I enjoyed reading your essay. I live in Tampa so it felt very "local" to me. :)
I think the essay is good, but I feel it's missing something. It just doesn't feel tragic enough for me...I don't think you'll stand out very well. It's understandable if this is the worst thing that has happened to you though. You might want to try a complete rewrite and see what you get. Maybe focus on something academic.
Thanks!
I can see why you say it's not tragic enough. Well the point I was trying to make is to say that this house took a extremely long time to build because my parents basically built it with their bare hands. Like the roofing for instance, my dad didn't hire anyone to help him, so every free moment he would be up there with the hot sun laying down shingles. Even I've had my fair share of scraping paint off windows and tile floors and rubbing glue off of floorboards.
If I incorporated this, would it be better?
i think it would be better if you Incorporated a little more struggle on a personal level like you just mentioned. I mean this essay would be perfect if your dad was applying to UCF but that isn't the case. I would try to relate it to yourself a little more, maybe find a topic that relates to school or your social life.
