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"I was the minority" - My UT ADMISSION TOPIC A Paper

Kmclark 1 / -  
Feb 14, 2011   #1
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey. (TOPIC A ESSAY)...Any feed would be nice. Thank you.

My current purpose is to be accepted into The University of Texas. My mother who grew up in a poor country always taught me to value education. I never understood this concept until I started attending Austin Community College. I realized this was not high school anymore and I needed to show my resilience. In High School I was not the best student, because I did not have confidence in myself. Attending a Private school, most of my life, I was the minority. A guidance counselor advise me not to apply to The University of Texas my senior of High School. The counselor advise me not to even attend college, but I knew I was capable of something great. I did not apply The University of Texas but instead started to attend Austin Community College. At Austin Community College I constantly studied, stayed late at school, and worked hard, due to my perseverance I made The Austin Community College Honor Roll. When there is a subject I do not understand I will stay at the Tutoring center until it closes. I know many of the tutors on first name basis. I go to the tutoring center on weekends, so I could make sure I know the material. I am a hard worker and I have show this through my College Career. The guidance counselor advice taught me a valuable lesson. Through everything, ups and downs, never doubt someone because he or she may be your boss, a CEO, The Head Board of Directors, or even The President of the United States.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 16, 2011   #2
The first sentence is no good! :-) It is too obvious. I am happy to have this opportunity to emphasize to you the importance of giving a first sentence that is the MOST interesting sentence the reader has seen all day.

Do no tcapitalize high school unless you are naming the school: In high school I was ...

At Austin Community College I constantly studied, stayed late at school, and worked hard. Due to my perseverance, I made ...

Either do it as a proper noun, or don't:
... at the tutoring center until ...

or.. at the Tutoring Center it closes.

Keep the verb tense the same: I go to the tutoring center on weekends, so I could can make sure ...

Do not capitalize unnecessarily: through my college career.

I'm sorry, I don't like the ending. You need to express your plan, your aspiration. A person without a plan cannot achieve much unless it is accidental. A person who makes a plan will express it in an essay like this. I think you can use that counselor's lack of confidence in you as a theme, but within the essay you MUST share with the reader a detailed plan. :-) Share some short term goals.

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