Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal, or work experience) >150 words
Of the 2,592 students attending (school name) only 6.6% of them are minorities. As a Puerto Rican student navigating the creamy colored hallways I begin to lose my identity. As I scan the halls I realize that I'm the only minority for as far as my eyes can see. I shudder at the thought of other minorities experiencing the same feelings of isolation. Therefore, three years ago I helped bring Latino Club to (school name) and I've been president since my junior year. Beginning with a small group of 12, Latino Club is now home to 63 Hispanics. Twice a week at 3:30 room C101 is transformed from Study Hall to a retreat for the variety of Latinos (school name) contains. Through bake sales, school dances that unite all Latinos in our district, and music during passing periods we have become a substantial aspect of the (school name) community
"As a Puerto Rican student navigating the creamy colored hallways I begin to lose my identity. As I scan the halls I realize that I'm the only minority for as far as my eyes can see."
I don't understand how does "navigating the creamy colored hallways" and realizing that you are the only minority made you lose your identity?
"Therefore, three years ago I helped bringstarted the Latino Club toat (school name) and I've been the president since my junior year. Beginning with a small group of 12, Latino Club is now home to 63 Hispanics. Twice a week at 3:30 , room C101 is transformed from Study Hall to a retreat for the variety of Latinos (school name) contains.
"variety of Latinos (school) contains" sound awkward.
Through bake sales, school dances that unite all Latinos in our district , and music during passing periods that unite all Latinos in our district, we have become a substantial aspect of the (school name) community"
I really appreciate your comments on my essay. Really, they were really helpful and I'm thinking about rewritting them. Anyway,,,,
well, since there is a word limit, it is better for us to tell specifically what we achieved for the common app short answer.
I do see your efforts describe your achievement by writing specifically,but I think some of the numbers you specified are unnecessary.
I agree with the corrections that Linnus did. The number of student and the percentile of minorities are kind of unnecessary and Linnus did good job smoothing out your short answer.
I hope you get into the university you want//Best wishes:)
well mamas
your essays is better than papas
a college would be a fool to miss out on your guapas
porque you es muy deladas
SI?!?!?
Of the 2,592 students attending (school name) only 6.6% of them are minorities. As a Puerto Rican student navigating the creamy colored hallways, I begin to lose my identity.
This is impressive!! Well-written, too. Any college should be glad to have a student like you, who is a leader, and who makes the best of a tough situation. Great job!!
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT THE PART WHERE I SAID "THE CREAMY COLORED HALLWAYS"?
IS IT UNCLEAR?
CREAMY COLORED HALLWAYS MEANING ALL OF THE STUDENTS ARE WHITE?
ANY SUGGESTIONS
I do feel the meaning of "creamy colored hallways" is unclear which makes this sentence "As a Puerto Rican student navigating the creamy colored hallways I begin to lose my identity" a bit confusing.
PS: I would recommend you to not type in all caps next time. It is rather annoying to for the readers.
Anyways good luck!
Oh, I don't think it is unclear... but I think some people might take it to sound racist... I remember thinking about that yesterday, when I looked at your essay, and deciding it was alright. Now, though, I am thinking... well, I guess if there is a chance that the reader will see it as indicative of disdain for white people, if there is a chance that it will seem racist... ... it is better to say:
"As a Puerto Rican student navigating swimming in a Caucasian sea...
wow, or is that worse??!!! I don't know, I think Caucasian sea is alright. A sea of Caucasians, hahaha...
yeah it sounds pretty racist
so i removed it
but thanks for everything
Upon my first reading, I did not understand that the "creamy colored hallways" were hallways filled with Caucasian students; instead, I thought that the hallways were an off-white color. You could write something like this: "As a Puerto Rican student navigating the hallways' sea of cream colored walkers (or students or peers or something like that),I begin to lose my identity." Also, I agree with Linnus, typing in ALL CAPS is a bit annoying. :( Sorry. I don't think that modifying your sentence would be racist (as long as that is not your intention), but writing "Caucasian sea" may seem a bit controversial. I would steer clear of things like that.
