Please help me make corrections and improvements
New York University- Andy Warhol said that we are all famous for 15 minutes. What will your 15 minutes be?
Looking at the dark stage of Stockholm concert hall, I felt each and every wing of the butterflies swarming inside my stomach. With countless intimidating eyes in the audience, I was sitting backstage waiting for the words "Vishal Sunkarapalli" to be heard. It was then I saw the winner of the physiology and medicine department walk back in a mature manner until the spotlight was off of him. Then I directed my ears to focus to only hear the upcoming words: "Next, we would like to introduce our winner for the newly established business department. Not only is he responsible for creating the world's largest business empire, he also discovered the factors that contribute to the economic cycle. I am proud to announce the recipient of the 2035 Nobel Prize for outstanding contribution in business, Vishal Sunkarapalli!" Calm as the night breeze, I rose to enter the spotlight. With applause louder than thunder, I knew my fifteen minutes of fame had finally come.
As the attention fell on me, I entered as the professional Vishal took control inside my body. As I was giving my thank you speech, the "other" side of me realized how far I have come since my teenage days in Troy High School. I still remember how I launched my exploration in the field of business. At first, I wanted to pursue a career in medicine. However, after taking many science classes, I realized that even though I was interested in this area, this is something that I would not want as a job. My first taste of business was in my economics class during summer school. Here, I instantly fell in love with the way both finance and economics governed the lives of us common people. Wanting to strengthen my understanding in this region, I took Financial Management and Economics AP as my courses in school. Ironically, it was my Physics teacher who suggested that I attend a summer program called "Planning for Business Success" at Michigan Technological University. Seizing this opportunity, I quickly signed up to attend. I even convinced two of my friends to accompany me. During this week long class, I explored the tactics to another business component, Entrepreneurship. With a team, I created a plan to start a new business and attempt to persuade potential investors to my business. With the skills obtained from this class, I learned the process of starting and keeping a successful business, tactics used to influence prospective investors, and methods of campaigning to your target audience. Lost in my thoughts, I came back to senses and professional Vishal just ended the fourteen minute speech. "Wait! Fourteen minutes? Where's my other minute?"
I returned behind the scenes and was congratulated by the other elite winners who represented their respective departments. After these awkward conversations, I felt relief when I finally noticed my parents. Their face was a clear evidence of how proud they were of me. I walked up to my dad and said, "Thanks for giving me my fifteenth minute."
Greetings!
You've written an excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions.
It was then I saw the winner of the physiology and medicine department walk back in a mature manner until the spotlight was off of him. - This sentence is a little confusing. You need a little more explanation about who this person is.
Lost in my thoughts, I came back to my senses and realized that professional Vishal had just ended the fourteen minute speech. "Wait! Fourteen minutes? Where's my other minute?"
Their faces were clear evidence of how proud they were of me.
I'm not sure that it matters much, but just in case you'd like to know, Andy Warhol's exact quote was: "In the future everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes."
Good work!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
