Please read my personal essay, it needs editing.
Prompt 1: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I sat alone, casually consuming my after school snack, when I heard it, the familiar double honk of a yellow school bus. With my face pressed against the cool glass, I peered out of the front widow, watching as the bus lowered the ramp, allowing the nurse to wheel my sister inside. From birth, my middle sister was diagnosed with severe congenital cerebral palsy, a neurological disorder that disabled the function of her mobility and speech skills. At the age of four, I only understood that Jessica could no longer walk, talk, eat properly, or use hand gestures. As she entered the living room, I ran to her asking, "Did you have a good day at school Jessica?" Although she would never reply, I loved seeing the smile spread across her face as she responded to the melody of my voice. Her handicap became a part of my life, a part of how I saw the world. From an early age I took part in her daily medical routines and hospital visits. That is how I discovered my place between a boisterous older sister and a sister with special needs. I looked at my family, and my parents' responsibilities of work, children, and medical bills and realized I had to become a silent supporter. I noticed where help was needed and assisted without being prompted. I was born the youngest of three girls, and yet I became the middle child.
In retrospect, the room I shared with my two older sisters was laced with medical equipment, but ironically always felt like home. With time I took an interest in the shots, meds, feeding tubes and oxygen tanks. I watched everything. The Medicare nurses changed often and I didn't want to wonder if the new nurse was giving the right dose for the intended protocol. It was my sister they were caring for, so I needed to know. At 4:30, it was time for her Albuterol breathing treatment, relieving any possible lung inflammation. Independently, I learned where the medication was, how to load it into the machine, and how to make it function. At 5:00 it was time for her to eat. She received nourishment by way of a feeding tube. I still remember standing with the doctor, a facade of understanding upon my face, as I wrestled to comprehend the precautionus endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) procedure my sister had just underwent. Adults never believed I could master the medical material of my sister's condition, as the information was not something a child could easily understand. But I aspired to become knowledgeable of the procedures and protocols, so I worked hard to learn them. At the age of seven I discovered I could master any information placed in front of me despite those who may have believed it was beyond my capability. I had the potential, and all I needed was the drive and curiosity to realize my passion.
Now in my adolescence as I set high expectations for myself with regards to education and attending college. Indeed it was my sister who initiated my passion for the medical sciences and taught me the lesson of perseverance. The doctors did not expect her to live past her birth but she withstood tribulation until she was fourteen. As I now seek to enter the field of clinical medicine and research, I understand that I will face challenges and adversity, but because I learned to attack all problems with assiduous determination, I can emerge successful. Although my sister passed when I was ten, I still wish to use my capabilities and my voice to enhance the lives of others. Unlike those who enter the field seeking affluence, I chose to enter to better the lives of others. Jessica changed my outlook on life, and transformed me into a better person.
I can remember an instance when I was sitting in the cafeteria of UC Davis surrounded by teams of the Special Olympics. I was neither afraid nor judgmental, but touched and reminded of love. In that moment, it was as if my sister had never passed, and I was surrounded by hundreds of my brothers and sisters. Having a sister with special needs caused me to admire those facing physical and mental adversities. I see promise and potential in their lives, when no one else does. As a child, I decided that I had to love and treat my sister no different than I would have anyone else in order for her to live an equal and fulfilling life. I never saw my sister as disabled, but instead differently-abled. I now feel it is my place to be the voice of all individuals facing challenging adversities, as it was once my place to be my sisters voice. Although my sister passed when I was ten, I still wish to use my capabilities and my voice to enhance the lives of others. I have this one life to live, and if not lived helping others, than what good was my existence?
Hey~
I hope this reply isn't too late and I will dive straight into the points I want to make. Some parts of my comments are going to be hard, but I promise you that I am starting out from an objective view point. Hope you are fine with it.
I copy your entire essay into my Microsoft word when I read it, and the first thing I realize is that your essay may be a bit too long. Ideally, this essay needs to be around 600 to 700 words, and 830+ is way too many. However, after reading your essay I've found some places where you can trim your essay down a bit.
First, I'd like to comment on your opening imagery. I like the idea of an opening imagery and understand that you want to show more than you tell, but in this case, I think you can cut it because there's more than enough pictures in the body of your essay and I think it does not create any important impression. To be honest, the essay will be stronger without the opening imagery. If I were to write this essay, the first paragraph would be:
From birth, my middle sister was diagnosed with congenital cerebral palsy, a neurological disorder that disabled the function of her mobility and speech skills. At the age of four, I only understood that Jessica could no longer walk, talk, eat properly, or use hand gestures. As she entered the living room, I ran to her and asked, "Did you have a good day at school Jessica?" Although she would never reply, I loved seeing the smile spread across her face as she responded to the sound of my voice. Her handicap became a part of my life that shaped how I see the world. From an early age I took care of her daily medical routines and hospital visits and discovered my role between a boisterous older sister and a sister with special needs. I looked at my family, and my parents' responsibilities of work, children, and medical bills and realized I had to become a silent supporter. I noticed where help was needed and assisted without being prompted. I was born the youngest of three girls, yet I became the middle child.
Another thing I have noticed is that you've mentioned the passing of your sister three times. Although I understand that your sister is important to you, but repeating thing will do no good to your essay. I have not changed the content, wording and any other things that belong to you in my revision, just the little places where I think trimming can be done and will be appropriate. Here it goes:
In retrospect, the room I shared with my two older sisters was laced with medical equipment, but it felt like home. With time I became interested in the shots, meds, feeding tubes and oxygen tanks. The Medicare nurses changed frequently. However, I wanted to make sure that my sister received the right dose for the intended protocol. Independently, I learned to look for the medicine, load it into the machine and make the machine work. At 4:30, it was time for her Albuterol breathing treatment that helped to relieve any possible lung inflammation. At 5:00 I would feed her through her feeding tube. I still remember standing side by side with the doctor as I wrestled to comprehend the precautionus endoscopic gastrostomy (PEG) procedure my sister had just underwent. Adults never believed I could master the medical material of my sister's condition, as the information was beyond the ability of a child to understand. But I aspired to become knowledgeable of the procedures and protocols, and I worked hard to learn them. At the age of seven I discovered I could master any information regardless of its difficulties. I had the potential, and all I needed was the drive and curiosity to realize my passion.
Now in my adolescence as I set high expectations for myself with regards to education. It was my sister who initiated my passion for the medical sciences and taught me perseverance. As I now seek to enter the field of clinical medicine and research, I understand that I will face challenges and adversity, but because learned to attack all problems with assiduous determination, I can emerge successful. Although my sister passed when I was ten, I still wish to use my capabilities and my voice to enhance the lives of others. People enter into this field for different reasons, but I am sure that I have chosen to enter to improve the lives of others. Jessica changed my outlook on life, and transformed me into a better person.
I can remember an instance when I was sitting in the cafeteria of UC Davis surrounded by teams of the Special Olympics. I was neither afraid nor judgmental, but touched and reminded of love. In that moment, I imagined that I was surrounded by hundreds of my brothers and sisters. Having a sister with special needs caused me to admire those facing physical and mental adversities. Regardless of what others may think of them, I see promises and potential in their lives. As a child, I decided that I had to love and treat my sister no different than I would have anyone else for her to live an equal and fulfilling life. I never saw my sister as disabled, but instead differently-abled. I now feel it is my responsibility to be the voice of all individuals facing challenging adversities, as it was once my place to be my sister's voice. Although my sister passed when she was fourteen, I still wish to use my capabilities and my voice to enhance the lives of others from different ages and backgrounds. I have this one life to live, and if not lived helping others, than what good is my existence?
I like the way you use in retrospect to create a sense of foreshadowing. It is good.
Overall, I like this essay a lot. Mainly I can feel that everything comes from your heart and there's no sign of any mundane structure that schools have taught me. It is a really meaningful essay and I am sure that the admission officers can feel it. Good luck with your application and in life.
I have to say that there are some grammar errors/inconsistencies that I have notice but cannot help you with, because personally I am bad at grammar. I have to say that your style of writing is very similar to mine, which is rare, since I consider myself neither a bad nor a good writer. lol
The word count is 715. Pretty good~
Thank you very much for your comments they are greatly appreciated. Which essay do you think is better, this one, or the other one that you previously read?
I think this one is better
G L~
