I'd appreciate ANY comment, suggestions, criticisms and any thing that will help. My feelings won't be hurt, be harsh if necessary.
This is for the common app.
Essay Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I don't have a title some recommendations would be helpful.
Never would I have thought that the person who has impacted me the most in life, would be someone I'll never get to know. I couldn't tell you what he did in his free time, wouldn't recognize his voice, and I don't even know what his personality was like. Yet this man effectively changed my life within 30 minutes. This seems like an impossible feat but for someone to completely understand this profound effect, you have to have been in my shoes the night I encountered Jon Gesner.
The rain this particular night was the type of cold, heavy precipitation that makes people run indoors and drive well below the speed limit. Despite the hurricane-like conditions, my friend and I were driving that night. It was routine for him to be driving us to a friend's house to hang out. It was within an instant that our travels came to a halt. I got that instinctive knot in my stomach that everyone gets at the sight of somebody slamming on their breaks. The combination of the far distance and torrential downpour prevented me from seeing what happened up ahead.
Naturally curious, I was drawn to the commotion and had my friend pull up so I could conduct my own investigation. Looking through the rain-covered windshield, I could just barely make out an individual kneeling on the ground, moving his arms with an up and down motion. This was when my reality steadily faded into a surreal state. At that moment, my best friend and I exchanged looks that revealed our sudden acknowledgement of the severity of the situation.
As we pulled up next to the two men in the street, my eyes became victim to a sight that will forever remain a stain within my memory. As I rolled down my window, I peered down to see Jon Gesner lying on the wet concrete in a graphic condition that no human should ever have to witness. It was another 5 minutes before the ambulance came to the rescue. Those 5 minutes felt like an hour as I stood in the chilling rain intently observing every pump on his chest with a strange sense of panic, hoping that each pump would bring consciousness to this stranger I felt awkwardly attached to. The arrival of paramedics gave all spectators some hope that life would be brought back into the body sprawled across the pavement. With no prevail (or To no avail), the young man attempting to revive Jon Gesner, stopped with a look of dysphoria and anguish. Time of Death: 11:39pm.
That night was the first time I witnessed someone die. Overcome with a medley of emotions and impaired by an overdose of reality, my mind in its confused state, refused react to what I had seen. I was unable to fathom the fact that lying in front of me was a man who had no clue that his life was going to end that night. It was hard to grasp the idea of how many ways the situation could've been different. Questions popping up in my head were: "What if we had been driving a few minutes earlier?", "What if he decided to cross the street a second later?". The more questions I had, the less answers there were. The next couple days were filled with thoughts about that night.
To most, the idea of Jon Gesner being the most influential person to me may seem preposterous. How could I not write the stereotypical essay about a family member, friend or a teacher? Jon Gesner taught me something that nobody has been able to teach me. He truly taught me the gift of life and the importance of each day. Family, friends and teachers may preach the idea of cherishing each day but never have I been shown the true value of being alive. The old cliché that seems to remain true in most humans is, "You never think it will happen to you". I've regrettably always had that mindset. That night nothing happened to me though. I didn't kill anybody in an accident and my life was not taken but what I witnessed that night was enough to change my mindset and my life.
The impact of what happened that night only lasted a few days. The influence Jon has had is eternal though. As corny and melodramatic as it may sound, I wake up morning with a different outlook. Instead of thinking about all the things I have to do, I think about everything I get to do. Without warning, Jon's opportunity do anything in this world, was taken. So for me to complain about my opportunity to do things, now seems selfish. Because of this man, I carry a positive vibe and natural happiness that is contagious. It's something I share with my peers, family, friends and everyone around me because I want for them to share my same perception and enjoyment of life.
This isn't me preaching a miraculous religious discovery and I'd hate for this to be viewed as my dramatized reaction over a car accident. Instead I'd like for it to be regarded as the explanation as to why I carry myself the way I do and the motive behind why I strive to truly make the most out of every opportunity granted to me.
Never would I have thought that the person who has impacted me the most in life, would be someone I'll never get to know. I couldn't tell you what he did in his free time, wouldn't recognize his voice, and I don't even know what his personality was like. Yet this man effectively changed my life within 30 minutes. This seems like an impossible feat but for someone to completely understand this profound effect, he or she has to be in my shoes the night I encountered Jon Gesner.
The rain this particular night was the type of cold, heavy precipitation that makes people run indoors and drive well below the speed limit. Despite the hurricane-like conditions, my friend and I were driving that night. It was routine for him to be driving us to a friend's house to hang out. It was within an instant that our travels came to a halt. I got that instinctive knot in my stomach that everyone gets at the sight of somebody slamming on their breaks. The combination of the far distance and torrential downpour prevented me from seeing what happened up ahead.
Wow! I really like your essay! It is indeed very impressive and thoughtful! Well I guess I couldn't give much advice on grammar or something, as I'm not good at it anyway, but it seems to me that it's a little bit long. It's like, uh, over 800 word? I remember that there's a word limit thing for common essay, what is it? 500 words?
It's not that long essays are not good, but perhaps being more effective and succinct is better. For example, readers may not have the patience to read all that jazz about the weather or the routine for your friend to be driving you to a friend's house or the fact that he is your best friend. It seems, uh, a little bit irrelevant. Okay at least the routine part seems irrelevant, you can keep the weather part. Readers doesn't to have know that you were driving to a friend's place to hang out to understand your story and your theme, and they just need to know that you were in a car and what you witnessed. I myself tend to overwrite a lot, too. LOL
Alright that's just some of my thoughts, hope it helps. I think it will be better if you cut some sentences, or maybe it's just me, LOL. Just ignore me if you don't like it, haha. I tend to be a little harsh sometimes. Sorry for that, mate. Good luck with everything!
