Please give feedback~
Describe the world you come from and how it has shaped your aspirations
"Miss Natasha! Napoleon smeared poop on the bathroom walls again!" little Jamal yells excitedly as he welcomes me.
As I arrive at Up On Top nonprofit program for underprivileged kids, I am mobbed by these friendly devils. This may not seem like a fun way to spend my summer or every Tuesday afternoon during the school year, but my passion for developmental psychology made me want to experience working with different types of children; despite the smell of excrement and numerous lice outbreaks, I love my job.
Living in a highly sheltered environment, I had never experienced the "real" Tenderloin, a low-income section of San Francisco. As I heard news of the area's violence and crime, I wondered how the children were affected. I found out. Third-grader Napoleon misses his incarcerated mother and had below-average reading skills; Brandon and Jonathan, who only speak Spanish, stayed within the confines of each other's arms; and Jamal, the smallest, whose size was not a result of genetics, but due to malnutrition because his homeless mother can only afford scraps for him to munch on.
I was shocked. These sweet, young kids-despite their occasional mischief-had already experienced such hardships. And as Jamal proudly declares his future as exactly like his recently-shot-gangster-brother, I decided I had to show him another possible path, one different from the one he imagined himself in.
From then on, my work enthralled me. I researched Spanish phrases for the twins and made PBJ sandwiches for Jamal. I became the goofy, trustable buddy during playtime and the serious, strict teacher during lessons. I learned to effectively communicate with them and use calming techniques when they got frustrated or upset, and worked with them through problems of abuse and bullying. I taught them the importance of nutrition, stretching, and on battling the infamous childhood enemy: vegetables (pinch your nose and swallow). Eventually, I saw the little differences I made: Jamal, who could barely get on the swing at the beginning of the summer could now swing independently; Brandon and Jonathan were finally discovering the world outside of their own and making friends; and Napoleon could finally read a book by himself. I was astounded that within weeks, a child could change so significantly.
In truth, I did not care about the money I received to help these kids, I could have come solely for the children. I love spending time with them; feeling connected to them while my heart bursts with pride watching them grow, knowing that I had aided in their conquests. Mentoring these kids reaffirmed my aspiration to be a child psychologist, to help children in need and to know that I can make a difference in their lives.
My experience at Up on Top shaped not only my world, but my outlook of it. I learned that in the real world, not every child receives as many opportunities as another, but that it is our job to lend a hand and make a difference. I choose psychology to make that difference. One person can change the world, one poop-smearing kid at a time.
talk about a personal quality or experience and how it relates to who you are today
Every once in a while, I find myself trying to get out of bed only to find out: I can't. This is not because of laziness or because of late-night studying, but because I am in too much physical pain to get up. While all the other kids ran, I slowly crawled up the school stairs, my body bent and huddled, hoping that the next step would be the last. I went through ten doctors and three countries before I was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis and congenial disc degeneration: a condition where my soft shock-absorbing, compressible spinal discs separating the bones of my spine are drying out.
Raised as a tom-boy who loved winning in the yearly "mile-run" and anticipated lapping all the other swimmers, I was disappointed and angry when I found out about my condition. Suddenly, all the things that had made me happy were taken away for "my own good." Although I understood my mother's concern over my health, I did not understand why I had to quit what I loved and so I continued swimming-my favorite of all sports. But eventually, repetitive inflammation of my discs made it painful for me to even walk a block without having to book an appointment with my chiropractor, forcing me to resign from anything physical. That was a dark, nihilistic day for me. I admit, I was slightly jealous of my "normal" twin sister, who could run and ice skate without fear of spending the next day crawling up the stairs in agony, and it was embarrassing having to tell my pity-filled teachers why I missed school.
Despite this "curse" or draw of bad luck, I've learned to make the most out of my condition. I began enjoying my weekly sessions with my chiropractor, an intellectual who loved to pass her medical knowledge onto me while my face was smashed against the table being worked upon. In fact, my disadvantaged state allowed me to develop many important skills: I became comfortable in communicating with my teachers and developed a sense of responsibility as I found ways to make up my missed work (for example, making up classes during my lunch hour). I am now also good at handling unexpected encounters and being calm during an emergency and have learned to be more perceptive, adaptive, and understanding of people's needs. Most of all, I found my biggest love-which doesn't require running-photography.
In truth, my disability has not made me bitter or spiteful of the world. I fully acknowledge that sometimes I do have to try a little harder to get up or push a little harder as I trudge to my next class but I do not let anything get in my way of life. I learned that there is a solution to every problem; the world can only be improved once a person accepts their situation. Though I might not live like a normal child, I am certainly a happy one. My condition is only a disease I have to accept as part of who I am. And frankly, I love who I am.
Prompt 2
Wow, your essay is really good. As I was reading it, I don't think I found anything that needed to be changed.
One thing I would like to see in this essay is how you became to love photography. You talked about loving to swim, and all of a sudden you say your biggest love is photography. I think you should talk a little more about photography. Not too much, just a couple sentences at max.
Good luck!
Wow, the two contrasting moods of your first and second essays really hit me in the face. I went from smiling like a crazy person to being serious in a flash. You really inspired me, there's no problem, with a personality as deep and caring as yours, I'm sure any UC will take you.
Just one sentence I had to read twice though:
Although I understood my mother's concern over my health, I did not understand why I had to quit what I loved and so I continued swimming-my favorite of all sports.
Maybe rephrase it like: Despite my mother's concern for my health, I could not quit my most beloved sport- swimming.
I wanted to go into psychology and get into nongovernmental programs for kids too, but I had to satisfymy traveling disease first haha. You really are a strong person, keep going Nannna-san!
dman: thank you for the tip !! i shall add a couple more sentences to photography :d
HARU:
aa!! doomo arigatou gozaimasu ! thank you for the suggestion ~ ahaha i love traveling too in fact, ill be going to japan again this summer to visit all my host buddies YAAAAAAAAY (im a travel freak, really).
and good luck on your college, i am very sure you will do well (:
Prompt One:
Nice Job, I really enjoyed your essay, but I would recommend making a few changes:
I would reconsider the word fun in your 1st paragraph (...a fun way) -- maybe enjoyable or another word would work better.
Change PBJ to peanut butter and jelly.
Delete to know that -- (to help children in need and to know that I can make a difference in their lives)
Change your ending's construction little bit:
My experience at Up on Top shaped not only my world, but my outlook of it. I learned that in the real world, not every child receives as many opportunities as another, and that it is our job to lend a hand and make a difference. I choose psychology to make that difference; I can change the world, one poop-smearing kid at a time. (I think that sounds better)
Hope I helped! :)
I would appreciate it if you edited my short essay answer @
mfdtwin
WOW... i mean.... WOW! ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!
only one teeny tiny tiny critique: (i might be the only one that notices it but i thought i should bring it to you attention)
in Prompt 1 you write, "despite the smell of excrement and numerous lice outbreaks, I love my job."
it reads and sounds like the numerous lice outbreaks smell =P
maybe you should change it to, "despite the numerous lice outbreaks and the smell of excrement, i love my job."
other than that, all i got to say is... WOW! =D
btw: if you have time, please edit my prompt 2. you can just click on my name and its the only thread ive posted. ty =D
Both of your essays are absolutely beautiful. My favorite part is at the end of your first essay. "...one poop-smearing kid at a time'' haha. It's sure to lighten things up for the reviewers after reading over a thousand essays.
I would appreciate it if you or anyone else can help review my essay. Thank you very much =]
Oooh foster family huh? May I ask where? XD
And my second UC essay was slightly inspired by you, in my attempt to show more of myself, but I think I failed. Haha, good luck too! I'm sure you won't need it though.
eh? foster family? LOL
no its part of my schools program. i will be visiting sakushin high in tochigi? and aww, i feel flattered!
Oh haha, I meant to say host but I just came from reading a foster essay for a friend. My bad. Xp
Too bad, I wanted to see if I can catch you, but thats about 5 hours from Osaka (I'm from Kobe though). ;A;
Sorry for holding personal conversations here, do you mind checking my new attempt at prompt 2? The one for multilingualism? its still in its baby stages but i think it has potential.
Also I noticed (while reading your essay because its fun)
"I love spending time with them; feeling connected to them while my heart bursts with pride watching them grow, knowing that I had aided in their conquests."
Is a little wordy. How about I love spending time with them. I connect to them watching them grow, and my heart bursts with pride knowing that I aided in their conquest.
aha thanks (:
hmm well my friend and i are planning to explore japan by ourselvles which includes going to ehime ( i have cousins that run an inn there) and osaka to visit her host mom (she was in osaka last summer for 4 weeks and LOVVEES her) ^^
oh and tank you for catching that. ill be sure to look at your personal prompy 2 ~
