So I'm really new to this forum, but from what I've seen it's a great place. I am hoping someone (or preferably - some people!) would be willing to look over my short response. Any feed back is appreciated - negative feedback is preferred!
Prompt: Members of the Caltech community live, learn, and work within an Honor System with one simple guideline, 'No member shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community.' While seemingly simple, questions of ethics, honesty, and integrity are sometimes challenging. Share an ethical dilemma that challenged you. How did you respond? Your response is not limited to academic situations.
Nearly jogging as I traversed New York Penn Station, I glanced at the clock - "1:12." I sighed in relief; I had not missed the 1:14 train. Slowing down, I noticed a few homeless men near the stairs. Walking by, one of them suddenly cursed. I looked down, and saw him prod the other man, who appeared to be asleep. The first man did not seem anxious, and I, not wanting to miss the train and wait an hour for the next one, ignored them.
Boarding the train, though, my indifference morphed into fear, worst case scenarios flashing through my mind. "Is he conscious? Is he breathing?" I was stunned by my actions; "Am I so selfish that I would ignore someone possibly unconscious only so I could get home an hour earlier?" Especially since I knew CPR and could help him, I could not forgive myself.
I rushed off the train, flying up the stairs. Relief flooded through me as I saw that the unconscious man was breathing and being examined by a security guard. The situation was bad; that man, [name], had suffered a seizure and was unconscious, but luckily was breathing and had a pulse. After five long minutes, the EMT's arrived. By now the train had already left, yet I felt fine, even happy, having made an insignificantly small sacrifice to try to aid [name] instead of ignoring his plight.
I'm running into the issue of trying to convey how I felt while also communicating the passage of time in a mere 1300 characters. Any suggestions on what I should cut (if needed)?
If you had to cut something, i would suggest cutting the "CPR" sentence, just to show that you just genuinely felt guilty, not only because you knew how to help him. Also your thoughts might be incorporated into something small or into another sentence.
I see that you have a lyrical way of writing your sentences but it seems a bit repeated. "Slowing down, I noticed ....", "Walking by, one of them suddenly ..."
"Boarding the train, though, my indifference ..." The repeatition hinders the flow of the essay after a while. Also, although i do love commas, you have a lot of them, considering the length of your essay.
Very good content though.
Hope this helped. :)
Is this true? Wow, you are truly amazing!
I loved this essay. It was creative, original and heartwarming. Just a few suggestions.
I noticed a few homeless men near the stairs. As I walked by, one of them suddenly cursed.
who appeared to be asleep.
-- This does not sound significant enough. Make it sound more dramatic and serious.
I rushed off the train, and flew up the stairs.
Good luck!
Thanks for the suggestions everyone! And yes, the incident is true, although I had to condense the time frame slightly to make it more concise as a written piece. Also, any further feedback would be appreciated!
Overall, very well written essay. There are a few minor tidbits that you could shape up, but nothing major. I'd suggest adding a closing sentence to the last paragraph because the ending sentence really only finishes the anecdote about the homeless man; it does not draw a conclusion from your experience. You answered the prompt very well, and gave insight on what kind of ethics you carry.
Good luck with getting into CalTech.
Mind going over my Fibonacci essay?
Do you suggest that in my last sentence, I switch [name] to "someone," to make the whole message a little more general? Thanks again.
