"that missing part of my education" - Transfer Uconn Essay First Draft

Hey guys,

Just looking for some feedback for my essay for Uconn. Does anybody know how long it should be? Did I hit all the questions and answer them well?

Please include a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and an explanation of reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended college, and for wanting to attend the University of Connecticut. If your educational attendance has not been continuous, your essay must include information about your activities during those times not spent in school.

Throughout my high school years I was unmotivated and unaware of the repercussions that came along with bad grades. When I finally realized that grades were a huge factor in college acceptance I started to buckle down and work harder. I chose to go to Norwalk Community College because I did not know what I wanted to do with my life and it allowed me to work as well as start my way towards a college degree. I have aspirations to start a career in business and my courses assisted in guiding me toward my goals. Although NCC has provided me with a positive learning environment I feel that I need more independence in my studies. I have found my education at NCC to be beneficial but I know I still have room to excel and improve.

By attending the University of Connecticut I believe I could start to fill that missing part of my education. I would like to turn a new page by going away to school and experiencing the real college lifestyle. I would like to prove to myself and my family that I can succeed on my own, seeing as I am the first one to go away to school. I feel that the University of Connecticut community is the perfect place to continue my studies. I like that the university has my choice of major but also many possibilities for change.

While at Norwalk Community College I have been distracted with a full time job and my home atmosphere. Although I have done fairly well with my studies, at the University of Connecticut I believe these distractions will become a thing of the past. I would devote my time to work towards and learn to maintain a healthy balance between a job and my academics.

The prompt asked for "a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and an explanation of reasons...". Thus, I believe you need to give more details about your academic goals since it is the same important as another part of the prompt.

Except this problem, I think you answered the question fairly well.

I would devote my time to work towards and to learn to maintain a healthy balance between a job and my academics.

I agree with yf8651. You talk about the distractions at your present university, but write more about what benefits for your major the unviersity you are transferring to could bring. How would you fill that missing part of your educaction? Develope the second paragraph.