Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. 250-500 words
I have focused on the "experience" part of the prompt. Every word in this essay is true, and it also one of my UC essays. The essay has 484 words, including the title. Please tell me how to work on improving the essay! Thank you :)
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The day I was honored the post of the School Counselor- a position the School Government that is loaded with intense responsibility- I actually realized how much my life had changed, and how much I had changed as a person. My epaulettes inspired me to shoulder my responsibilities with tact and grace as well as respect for my colleagues in the Captain Body, along with the students of Delhi Public School. The day the Investiture Ceremony was held, I truly understood the depth in the famous Spiderman catchphrase, "With great power comes great responsibility."
My school is a rather good representative of India's population- it promises education to over 3000 students, from Nursery to 12th grade. With over 250 students in one batch, and the only student School Counselor, my post has been a full-time job. It often required missing classes (and getting ticked off for missing classes), but it was so emotionally fulfilling that although people suggested resigning, I never quit. This was something I loved doing- solving problems. When a 6th grader would come to me for something like "she hit me!" or when a 12th grader would come to me to ask for, say, drug-quitting advice, I knew that the time I was going to give the person in front of me was going to be time well utilized. There are a lot of issues that students cannot take to parents or teachers, and I understood that even before I took up the post. There have been instances where I made slip-ups, judged people from what they told me, even behaved unprofessionally, but I never refused to help. Which is what, I've been told, made people think of me as approachable and trustworthy, an opinion that I take as a gigantic compliment.
Being the School Counselor had often been misjudged as being a "spy" for the teachers. I am proud to say that I broke that assumption, to such an extent that even a few teachers came to me for counseling. There was a time when a teacher told me that he was having marital problems, which were affecting his temper and teaching, because of which he was on probation. That was one of the most satisfying experiences I have had, because, after talking to him and pushing him during the course of several sessions, he managed to sew his personal life together and detach it from his professional front.
I learnt a lot about human behavior and child psychology from this position. It gave me a bird's eye view of what a person faces inside and outside of school, and a worm's eye view of what the "big bad world" could be like. I learnt perception, sensitivity, initiative, involvement, leadership and management at close quarters, and I know that even after several years, I would remember a fellow student's shining eyes after the "mission accomplished" with a smile.
A few things:
The day I was honored the post of the School Counselor- a position the School Government that is loaded with intense responsibility- I actually realized how much my life had changed, and how much I had changed as a person. I would re-word this sentence, its a bit long too. You could say: The day I was honored with the post of School Counselor, I realized that my life had changed dramatically. I actually realized how much I had changed, due to the great responsibility required of me.
Post- we say "head" or "leader" or "president"
School Government- Usually called "student counsel"
My epaulettes inspired me to shoulder my responsibilities with tact and grace as well as respect for my colleagues in the Captain Body, along with the students of Delhi Public School.
You should make two simplified sentences out of this long one.
My school is a rather good representation of India's population
It often required missing classes (and getting ticked off for missing classes),
It sounds better to not repeat yourself, you say missing classes twice.
You are off to a fine start, you have a great topic. Keep working on your grammar and tidy it up a bit. Good luck in school!
pretty good so far.
"...ask for, say, drug-quitting advice,..." i dont think you need "say"
also
"Which is what, I've been told, made people..." - "ive been told" is not needed as well
"school, and a worm's eye" no need the comma
rephrase this: "what the "big bad world" could be like"
its a good topic to write about but I would still with one part of the experience that had IMPACTED ON YOU. just one experience, dont need to have a lot.
good luck! hope ive helped!
"The day I was honored the post of the School Counselor- a position in the School Government that is loaded with intense responsibility- I actually realized how much my life had changed, and how much I had changed as a person."
"With over 250 students in one batch, and as the only student School Counselor, my post has been a full-time job."
I agree with Jerry about talking about one specific experience. Elaborate on your experience counseling your teacher - i think that's a good example since you're advising someone older than you are, so it shows your maturity. i don't think you need to talk about your school much, you can simplify your second paragraph if you need to cut off words since i don't think it's essential to your essay.
it's a great topic to write about, a little modifications here and there and it would be perfect:) good luck!
oh, and about the jhu supplement, i think we have different prompts since i don't have the one about pursuing an activity in jhu. hope to meet you in jhu!:)
I really like your essay. I think it truly reflects what a committed and unselfish person you are. Congratulations for everything, collegesearcher.
Probably "learned" is a better word than "learnt"...I've never really seen "learnt" being used. Also, the last sentence is worded a little strangely... maybe "I will (because it's the future) remember a fellow student's shining eyes and smile at the mission accomplished"..or something like that? Not completely sure what meaning you're trying to convey
You definitely learned a lot from your experience as the School Counselor, and this essay does encompass a lot, including both your personality as well as your school life. I feel like the last paragraph is a little broad compared to the specific anecdotes you include...it talks about psychology AND all these things you've realized (it's quite a list). Maybe you could include a sort of bridge between the last paragraph and the rest of the essay that eases the transition between the specific first part and the broad last part?
Hope that helps...
