In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer
After school, I visit an elementary school near Stuyvesant High School to tutor students. Most of the students don't listen to their instructor. This particular classroom was filled with third graders who couldn't read basic words. The twenty-three year old teacher would put up a couple of questions and use me as a tool to avoid teaching the kids. As for the kids: one had a dad who was in jail, others had parents who were divorced and even more lived in disturbing environments. All I could feel for them was complete sorrow. Sorry for the fact that the New York City Board of Education jammed a bunch of students together in a classroom that was doomed to fail. Sorry because the future of these students was predetermined to grow up as garbage men, janitors, and McDonald employees. The fact that these students are underrepresented and helpless is one of the contributing factors of my mission to give back to struggling communities.
"After school, I visit an elementary school near Stuyvesant High School to tutor students"
After school every day? After school once a week? You need to clarify how often you go to tutor.
Yea I had every monday and wednesday before but I had to cut that out to make 150 words.
Don't worry so much about the 150 word count. Mine was somewhere around 180 words. Just so long as it fits in the space provided on the commonapp, you should be good!
Most of the students don't listen to their instructor.
Redundant.
change couldn't to could not
Perhaps if you have space, talk about what you did. You explained about the poor conditions, but never about the "tutoring experience"
I kinda agree with xoxsueshixox.
You story of your observation and experience is pretty good but you left out how that tutoring experience is important to you. That is what matters, in my opinion.
Just work on what you learned from that experience.
nice job and nice esay, just do the corrections others told about?
