Hey all!!! Please help me with my essay!!! Please read my essay and edit the grammar mistakes. Furthermore, how much would you give my essay out of 10 points. Should I write another essay?
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Mistake
When I was waiting for the taxi with my father to go home, I felt grateful to the hospital where we left. I was no more the person who entered this hospital a month ago. This one month period changed my whole perspective on life drastically.
My father almost lost his left hand because of the electric saw and his situation was hard since he bled a lot while coming to the hospital. The hands which were together the day ago were no longer together. My father became half-disabled person who can't tie his shoes or hold knife and fork together. His situation was hard and needed guardian. My mother was pregnant and this incident made her the only working person in my family. Since this accident happened right before I was to enter university, I decided to take a half year leave from the university to look after my father. The most important thing for me was my parents who dedicated everything for me. I remember so clearly the days when my father had a hole in his shoe sole and my mother had only 2 shift clothes. They spent all the money they had to educate and nourish my brother and me, not caring themselves.
But God was unfair. It seemed as if he doomed my life to affliction and failure. My relationship and personal goals were all debacle. I pursued mathematics from the time I first entered school and since worked hard. I couldn't achieve the dream I have wanted for my life to become the champion of National Mathematical Olympiads and to take medal from IMO. But all my efforts were vain. I took mini prizes, but I lost the grand prize. Furthermore, all my relationships failed. The boy I constantly loved for whole 4 years abandoned me and started going out with my best friend whom I trusted and loved so much. I became completely hopeless and had no inspiration to live, because I faced affliction and failure step by step. But I didn't dare to do something stupid since I had my happy family. I didn't want to torment my parents. We suffered hard to reach happiness. My mother was abroad to earn money for 6 years. When we just started living together happily, the God again tormented me by making my beloved father half-disabled. I lost trust in God. Some pretty girls live happily, with no torment and financial difficulty, and even some of them make great accomplishment. Life was unfair!!!
My father and I stayed at the hospital for a month. But this one month was life changing experience. As the days passed, I gradually became happy not only because my father's situation got better but also because I learned great lesson. I saw people with no hands or no foot, but they were smiling from their heart. They had inspiration to live. But I was so wrong to think that I have nothing. I have everything. I have eyes to see, hands to lift and foot to go. I have happy family. But I was dooming myself to failure. I always saw the bad sides of the events and gave up in front of the obstacles. I tried to escape from the obstacles by creating many causes. Since I didn't want to submit my mistake, the mistake happened again and again.
I didn't love myself properly, yet wanted other people to love me. Furthermore, I didn't believe in myself nor esteem the accomplishments all I had. I always undervalued the things I had. Moreover, I wasn't successful because I always feared from being unsuccessful. Even though I dreamed to make accomplishments, I didn't really believe in my strength ability. I had no confidence in myself.
As I realized my mistake and started learning from it, I became totally different person with the help of my father's accident. My father was physically ill, I was mentally ill when we first entered the hospital. But now we are both healthy. I learned loving and respecting myself. I started to see the beautiful and positive side of the events. Furthermore, I learned having courage, not being afraid of being unsuccessful. All people make mistakes. But the winner is the one who is not afraid of making mistake and who can make the mistake the start of the future success.
not caring themselves.
You omitted a word. about.
I have wanted for my life to become
But all my efforts were vain
*in
But I didn't dare to do something stupid since I had my happy family.
Change "something" to anything
The grammar and tense in most sentences need revising. If you have access to your English teacher or mentor you"d could give her to help you in revising it.
I also suggest you should think carefully about the message you are sending across.
Hey! I think that your essay is ok except for the grammatical errors that Dii had already pointed out.
However, I urge you to reconsider this sentence"I lost trust in God. Some pretty girls live happily, with no torment and financial difficulty, and even some of them make great accomplishment. Life was unfair!!! " I don't want to undermine your difficulties but life has and always will be unfair. This sentence actually makes you sound a bit juvenile. I suggest that you do delete it. Sorry if I come across as too harsh, but everyone does have their own problems at the end of the day.
Anyway, good luck with your essay and school.
Help me look over mine if you can! Thanks!
