Hi there, I would appreciate if you give some advice on these two essays. Any critics are most welcomed!
1.What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about.
I am a very influential person.
Among my peers, I am always one of the most visionary and creative one. I also have many hobbies that are uncommon but really interesting. And most importantly, I always share my visions and hobbies with my friends to bring diversity for them.
I love to play Rubik's Cube, but instead of trying to break world record, I devote my time to letting more people know and benefit from this mind game. Not only my friends but also hundreds of students in other schools have fallen in love Rubik's Cube because I volunteered to conduct open lessons for them.
There are numerous other examples. With my keen sense of electronics technology, I predicted the age of mobile devices and started a mobile software studio with my friend, which is now acquired by Beijing SUN Ground Interactive Entertainment. I ask my friends to come along with me to take landscape photos in order to let them appreciate the beauty of nature and the fun in photography. Now many of them have become amateur photographers. Since when I took part in the BOINC project in 2006, I have always been propagating the significance of this project to my friends and families. A few dozens of people started contributing because of my effort.
I am proud of myself, for my influence on others could plant a seed of happiness in their lives. Moreover, it is such influence I exert on my surroundings that makes what I am.
2.Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)
When I was learning programming as a hobby, I confronted a challenge that made an indelible impression on me.
One day my teacher showed me a game and said," Let's program it." I couldn't believe my ears. Indeed, the game was much simpler than the masterpieces like GTA or TES, but it was still too complicated for me. I didn't have any idea about how to do it, so I cried:" You must be kidding. There is no way I can do this!" "Why don't you even bother to try?" She smiled. "No, I don't want to waste time on something impossible." She didn't insist, and we continued our routine lessons.
But two weeks later, I noticed something from my daily homework. Every small program or class I wrote seemed to be somewhat familiar to me. And when I think about it carefully, I was shocked. Actually I was unconsciously building the game part by part, and I had finished a large portion of it. I spent another week to finish every part of the game. It ran smoothly without issue.
The program was a novice piece, and the success wasn't so glorious, but it taught me a life philosophy, which Seneca once referred: "It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult." Whenever difficulties come to me, I always hear her words in my mind:" Why don't you even bother to try?"
I am a very influential person.
Among my peers, I am
always one of the most visionary and creative one. I also have many hobbies that are uncommon but really interesting. And most importantly, I always share my visions and hobbies with my friends to bring diversity for them.
I think you should reconsider on submitting the first essay. You sound kind of arrogant and as YingBin said, MIT, and any college for that matter prefers students showing rather than telling. As YingBin also said maybe try an anecdote -that could probably curb the conceited-nature of that essay. Also, you don't necessarily need to barrage each essay with more than one/two stories.
The second essay was fairly good.
Not really sure if you highlighted the challenge or what went wrong enough, so maybe you could express that a little more explicitly. Kind of confusing and the transition was not particularly smooth.
And when I think about it carefully, I was shocked.
And when I thought about it carefully, I was shocked.
Hope this helps!
I hope i'm not too late, but I think the first essay is fine. I think maybe you can combine some of the paragraphs together in the first essay.
The second essay I thought was pretty good. The only problem there was you didn't really talk about what you did.
Good Luck =)
You sound pretty braggy in your first essay. I would also try to make it less choppy.
I would reconsider how you show your second essay. It's supposed to be able a challenge you faced, but in your essay you talk about how you refused the challenge.