MIT essay about a challenge faced in life..... Grammer correction needed!

Enthusiastically on the breakfast table I said to my dad," Dad I got my results today and I got 91%, toping not only in the school but also in the district. Now I can easily get into KC junior college in Mumbai!"

My father gave me a pat on the back and said,"Manan, but you are too young to go in a city like Mumbai. I know that you have many friends there and we also have many relatives there, but.."

Sadly I interrupted,"But Dad you had assured me that if I get at least 90% you would allow me to go to Mumbai, then why have you changed your mind. Dad, I can do so much over there, I will be able to live independently, and they also have many good classes for the entrance for IIT's entrance test. Going to Mumbai will be the best bet in my career."

Suddenly my Mom jumps in the discussion," Manan these two years are the last few years when you could stay with us. You can go to Mumbai or anywhere you want after 12th grade."

This went on for about couple of hours and finally I had to give in due to my Mom's emotional feelings.

Prior to this conversation of the day of my 10th grade result I had different plans: going to Mumbai for 11th & 12th then going to Indian Institute of Technology. I was sad because I thought I will not be able to follow my dreams anymore. It was very difficult for me to settle in a whole new environment. I used to look for holidays to escape to Mumbai.

After a couple of months I found that slowly my sadness was evaporating, I started getting engaged in extra-curriculum activities. I joined environmental club, I joined the teen club at local library, I also started volunteering at nearby temple and my grades also started going up. Finally I realized that going to a metropolitan city is not necessary to achieve one's dreams. By the end of the year when I was settled in this new environment I had to replan my life- I was destined to move to US by the end of the summer.

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I dont have good english , Please can anyone help me correct any grammatical error if possible... Thanks in advance for you help, I really appreciate your effort

it should be KC Junior College ( if that is the proper name of the college, all the words should begin with a capital word )


place an article ( an or the ) before environmental


I also started volunteering at a nearby temple.


sentence is awkward. try a revision

Enthusiastically and sadly are two words you should omit. The essay is better without them, because if you leave them out, the READER comes to the conclusion of enthusiasm and sadness. That is subtle writing: not too many modifiers.

Let's keep suddenly, but get rid of those other two:
Suddenly, my Mom jumps into the...

You are wrong; your English is good! This essay is very powerful, because the reader wants you to chase your dreams in Mumbai, and the reader is touched to hear that you gave in because of your mom's emotions. It is impressive and nice!

jumped. you used past tense before so you should stick with it.


I would just replave with a coma, but thats me. Then I would at grade back in after 12th, and I would make it The Indian Institute...


Make this would, otherwise add comas and italics to show that these were your actually thoughts.

I used to look for holidays to escape to Mumbai.
I would change this to I used to look forward to holidays as an oppurtunity to escape to Mumbai" or something similar

After a couple of months I found that slowly my sadness was evaporating, and I started getting engaged in extra-curriculum activities.

I joined environmental club, I joined the teen club at local library, I also started volunteering at nearby temple and my grades also started going up.

I would change this to read:
I joined the environmental club, the teen club at local library, and started volunteering at a nearby temple. mM grades also started going up.

"Finally I realized" should be "Finally, I realized"

"to US by the end of the summer." change this to "the US"

Your last sentence was confusing and I am not really sure what you are saying with it.

Hope all my comments are not discouraging, because you have a very good topic here and you develop it well. I would really reconsider rewriting your last sentence because I am not sure what you were getting at, but I think with these small changes you will have a very good essay!