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MIT essays - community/pleasure/department/personal quality


sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 15, 2012   #1
Please review my MIT essays about the style, grammar and overall quality of them. any help will be appreciated

prompt1: please tell us more about your cultural background and identity ( 100 word max)
I am a human first, an Indian second. Our generation is the one that combines both ethics and modernism, through which we can easily grasp onto new cultures. We are called rebels by our grandparents and open minded by our parents. But one thing that significantly affect our lives is the presence of humility and respect for fellow beings in all our acts. We are part of "Hinglish"(Hindi+English) generation, growing in a place where internet cafes are built besides temples. And both of them are equally important in shaping our lives.

prompt2: We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

The aroma of fresh air in morning, the feel of grass on bare legs, the chirping of waking birds gives me the pleasure nothing else can. I like to be among nature's bounties, so my day never starts without a run in a garden, nor it ends without an evening in park. It allows me to organize my thoughts for the coming day, free my mind from negativity and give me a fresh perspective on everyday problems. And as a bonus, it gives a chance to meet new people, make friends(maybe meet my love) and together enjoy the beauty of nature.

prompt3: which department or program at mit appeals to you and why ?
When I first coded in Visual Basic in my 8th standard, the adrenaline rush I felt on seeing in emit shades of yellow and green immediately told me where my allegiance lay - Computer science. With each passing year, the feel only strengthened. The senior year brought me in contact with field of Artificial Intelligence, which makes me crave to build those sci-fi technologies. And what better place to realize this than MIT's Electrical Engineering And computer Science Department where Professors work with dreamers like me to give our imagination a concrete shape.

prompt4: What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

After winning a National Competition once, a small boy of 7 asked me simple question "How did you win this competition?" And my answer was "I was stubborn to win it". Yes, that what I am proud of myself - my determination to reach my goals. Now some may find it obnoxious, but in reality adhering to your goals is key to success in my opinion. But it doesn't mean sacrificing all your values, as Gandhi once said "a successful person is one who reaches his goal, taking all his fellows along."

So, it was the time of January, when I had to decide which subjects to undertake for further studies in my high school. A lot of suggestions came in, persuading me to explore the "glamour" of business and commerce. As my family belongs to a business background, it would have been lot easier to give in but I was determined to study science, for it was my passion. Had I become weaker that time, I am pretty sure that I wouldn't be as happy and lively as I feel now, playing with different formula and working in labs.

Impactful it surely is. A plethora of tasks wouldn't have been possible for me to undertake, had I not had the determination to do them. Some of them include winning that National Competition or babysitting my 8 month old cousin. But a clear focus and iron like determination makes me overcome any obstacle and achieve what I set out to.
sopanhatun 1 / 1  
Dec 15, 2012   #2
The use of 'But' and 'And' in the beginning of a sentence is a bit informal. You can use alternatives, for example instead of using 'but' you can use 'nevertheless'.
zdv 12 / 68 2  
Dec 16, 2012   #3
great essays, you tell a story with each one and i think thats great, you know, to be able to do so in such a small paragraph. other than that, there are a few errors which i believe are typos or carelessness. proofread it a couple of times and you can get rid of all of them.
OP sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 16, 2012   #4
thanks for the comments , i will correct those errors for sure
OP sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 28, 2012   #5
prompt:Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

Although the memory of that incident is two years old, yet it is as alive as I am. It all happened just after our midyear examinations. My friend scored quite low but he found some irregularities in checking, absence of which could have made him score better. In a fit of anger, he approached the teacher, and abused her using extremely strong words. He was detained at that time but our school policy required decision for suspending a student be made in a joint session with veto power given to three - the principal, the head counselor and the student president, that was me . The other two vetoes negated each other, so it all boiled down to me.

I had to choose between what was right and what was comfortable. I chose the right thing. I chose to destroy my best friend's life. I was broke to do that, but I didn't regret it. Although the matter could have been solved in a calm manner, my friend chose to do it in an offensive way. I could have saved him from the defamation he received, but it would have eaten on my conscience more that it does now. It was a life altering experience. It taught me that leaders have to make difficult decisions, which may make him a villain for some but are beneficial for whole community. "With power comes great responsibility" - I have heard that quote a lot but this incident made me understand its true meaning.

prompt:Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

Coming from a community of people as varied as Indian certainly makes you dream for many things - good education and job, powerful position in society, a loving family and friends. And you can always expect a daily dose of "expectations" - good marks in upcoming exams and absolutely no cheesy relationships. I come from a similar community - a small corner of vast city of Delhi called Rohini. We live in a tightly knit community of hundred residents - a big family. Now we can't be called ancient as we get every kind of modern facility available, yet the bond shared by us is formed through respect (and food) for each other. We have successful doctors, engineers and politicians residing along with housewives, clerks and blacksmiths. Humility underlies our each interaction - whether it's daily gossips or fundraising for some social cause. Occasional lapses do occur, but each one teaches us something new and strengthens our bond. This community have shaped my dreams - dreams that involve doing big things, yet not forget my roots. Each day as I go from my home to school, I see the blacksmith toiling hard with a smile and a doctor kissing good bye to her daughter. They inspire me - to follow my dreams, as nothing is low when you get pleasure in it and to stay connected with my family, even if I am highly successful. Every venture of mine underlies these basic values - whether it's editing my school journal or applying to MIT.

please review these essays too for grammar and cliches.


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