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MIT essay. About my dance workshop charity to raise money to a boy who got cancer.


nazym_ziyabek 1 / -  
Dec 30, 2018   #1
MIT essay. About my dance workshop charity to raise money to a boy who got cancer. Feedback

my contribution to a community



STUDENTS WORK TO IMPROVE THEIR COMMUNITIES IN DIFFERENT WAYS, FROM TACKLING THE WORLD'S BIGGEST CHALLENGES TO BEING A GOOD FRIEND. DESCRIBE ONE WAY IN WHICH YOU HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR COMMUNITY, WHETHER IN YOUR FAMILY, THE CLASSROOM, YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, ETC. (200-250)

Along with organizing different charity campaigns wholeheartedly, I have motivated people within my community to not only use their talents and assets to inspire others but to also believe in themselves and understand their underlying self worth and potential.

Recently a student of my school suffered from cancer and had to go to South Korea for medical treatment. The cost of it was so expensive that all school members decided to raise money to help him. Besides this fantastic initiative, I asked myself what else could be done to help him.

Since dance is my passion, I came up with the idea of organizing dance workshops to raise more money for him. I called choreographers I knew, and I made posters. My friends printed tickets. We started to sell tickets and announce this event to the whole city. I was so pleased when some restaurants called me to organize free coffee breaks that day to support the initiative. One of our guest-choreographers invited a TV Channel to broadcast our friend's story to the whole country. Finally, 130 people came to our event, we could raise $350, and the most important - everyone was happy and satisfied.

My friend, Rayimbek, could finally face his fate with hope and the support of thousands of caring people. After the event, people thanked us for organizing this charity campaign. People said they had a great time with other people. Someone was grateful that they also helped Rayimbek. I accept that this event was only drop in an ocean. However, the ocean is made of drops.
anna123 8 / 14 3  
Dec 30, 2018   #2
You've answered the prompt perfectly, and I think you succeeding in showing your caring nature, as well as passion.
It's nice how haven't overly embellished the essay, and you gave empirical evidence on the results of your fundraiser.

That said, if your point was to convey how you " have motivated people within my community to not only use their talents and assets to inspire others but to also believe in themselves and understand their underlying self worth and potential." I don't think you've succeeded in doing that.

The whole essay talks about how your passion for dancing contributed to the success of the fundraiser, not necessarily that your influence to others. If that's what you wanted to show, why not talk more about how others were inspired by your actions, and followed your lead?
Holt - / 7,651 1998  
Dec 31, 2018   #3
Nazym, the essay feels like it is starting in the middle with the way that you formatted your first paragraph. You may want to reconsider that presentation because it is awkward in both presentation and content. It doesn't feel like it flows well with the rest of the essay. Since you are over the word count by 11 words, you can actually remove that paragraph without affecting the overall presentation. By stating that you helped a student in your school, you immediately call the attention of the reviewer to how you contribute to your community, through the classroom, by helping a friend and classmate. That 3 sentence paragraph establishes a strong response to the prompt question. That makes the rest of the paragraph presentations more cohesive. Through a short and simple presentation, you have effectively responded to the prompt without the overdramatization that the first paragraph of this essay version brings to the mix. You just need to be direct to the point. Drama is not necessary, over explanation should be avoided.



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