Hello everyone. Please, help me to improve this essay: after editing it still looks too much like cliché. Help me, and I will help you if you want to improve your essays.
Every evening, having got tired with studying, I put on my running clothes and go to nearby forest to run few kilometres. My training happens like clockwork, usual, but significant part of my life, which helps me to relax and refresh my mind. When I cannot solve some problem, solution often comes to me on the run, when I forget about everything and just enjoy my training. Moreover, I run not only for fun; like ice hockey, which I played before, running is exercise of will. It helped me to prove myself truthfulness of good saying: "no pain, no gain" and prepare to face challenges that I have met in my life.
Hi, seems like a pretty good essay thus far (even though a little cliche), I could further help you with editing and making it less cliche if you could provide the prompt for the essay.
Thanks, jholden93. The prompt is: We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do simply for the pleasure of it. I wrote it in the headline, but it disappeared after posting.
i think your essay is great. It shows a quality of yourself that may interest the admission officers : strong will. But you made some grammatical mistakes such as 'having got tired with studying', which should be only 'tired with studying'. It is uneffective.
However, as a non-native speaker, you did really great.
Please help me in my essays too, I'm also applying to MIT this year. I'm also an english non-native speaker, I'm from Indonesia.
Hi. There is a new version of the essay. Please, check this one; any criticism is warmly welcomed.
Every evening after I'm done studying, I put on my running clothes and go to a nearby forest to run few kilometres. My training happens like clockwork - it is a regular, but significant, part of my life, which helps me to relax and refresh my mind. When I cannot solve some problem, the solution often comes to me on a run, because I'm able to forget about my work and just enjoy my training. Moreover, I run not only for fun. Like ice hockey, which I used to play, running is an exercise of will. It has helped me to prove to myself the truth of that good saying "no pain, no gain" and to prepare myself to face the challenges I have met in my life.
The edited version certainly sounds less erudite-almost humble now- and much clearer than the previous one while conveying the same message.
As a non-native English speaker, I'm actually cautious about commenting on grammar but about the story of your essay, I feel that you may be able to polish/clarify a bit more in some parts
"When I cannot solve some problem / the solution often comes to me on a run/ because I'm able to forget about my work and just enjoy my training" --> When broken into three parts as shown here, the logic of the sentence seems a bit confusing (at least to me). You said you forget about your work and just enjoy running and that provides you the solution during the run? How can you learn the solution while forgetting about it? It may make more sense if you say it comes after a run, after your refreshing break or something like that.
I hope it helps to make clearer and hopefully more coherent essay! :)
I just joined this forum so not yet posted my essay but if you liked my comment, please help me later when you see my thread! And I'll appreciate that sooo much :D
When I cannot solve some problem, the solution often comes to me on a run
because I'm able to forget about my work and just enjoy my training.
The edited version does have better flow and shows that you are someone who is able to take on challenges. For the lines above maybe elaborate on how you could solve a problem when you forget your work?
It has helped me to prove to myself the truth of that good saying "no pain, no gain" and to prepare myself to face the challenges I have met and will meet in my life.
Just some suggestions to make the sentence more active than passive. :)
