This is my first thread on this website. Could you please give me some ideas in how to correct this essay. Thank you very much.
Prompt: Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? (200-250 words)
------- "4.5 out of 10". I could not believe in my ears. "No way! I did it perfectly! You said my point would be at least 8.5. There must be some mistakes" - I cried to my teacher. Actually, there was a fraud. Some powerful individuals had changed the results of this competition.
-------In grade 7, 8 I focused on studying Math because that was my brother's strength. However, I realized that if I continued to study math I could not be very successful since there was a Math prodigy in my class. I confessed that I could not defeat him; therefore I decided to find my own realm at grade 9. I chose Physics.
-------My yearning to be the best was satisfied as I always got the highest marks in every Physics examinations. I was the best until the end of this deceitful Physics competition of Haiduong city. However, I was a victim of a political issue. Some people was ostensibly punished; I never got my true award.
-------Although I knew that it was not my fault, I started to wonder my motivation for studying Physics. I had a conviction that for one year I had not realized how much I love doing my experiments, how happy I was when I discovered the chromatic dispersion in a rainbow and how excitedly I explained it to my friends. The accident hurt my pride of being the best but it helped me to understand the true incentive of study which is passion, not fame.
So you managed the situation by giving up on math and switching to Physics?
It makes you sound like you gave up because you didn't believe in yourself and you can't stand not being number one. But if you want to go with this, here are some changes
In grade 7, 8 -- In 7th and 8th grade
I had a conviction that for one year I had not -- awkward phrasing
how happy I was when -- word choice for "happy" - delighted, accomplished
Yeah... I'm a bit uneasy about the topic you chose. Also, I'm not exactly sure what happened in the competition to cause the changed in results/etc. You seem to state a problem and then go entirely on a tangent. You should focus on what you did to deal with the "fraud," and how you "managed the situation." You don't seem to answer that question. You need to address what you did to deal with the competition itself, not the math. The problem is the event, not the subject of the event. Do you understand what I mean?
Also, avoiding math because of one mistake/fraud/whatever-you-want-to-call-it in a competition seems to be very superficial, so I would suggest you don't write about that.
Remember, answer the prompt! :)
Thanks for comment!
I think I wrote it quite vaguely so that you guys were confused about my idea.
So I will tell you about my story so that you can understand my situation.
----- first: I studied Math but I realized I could not be very successful ==> I studied Physics
----- when I studied Physics I was always the best in my school. All my teachers , my friends believed I could get the 1st-prize in the Physics competition of my city.
----- At the competition I did it well but there were 2 things wrong:
1st: In the question "Kilometer" was mistakenly typed wrong as "meter" =======> I knew it so I corrected and solved the question as Km.(it was easy to recognize the mistake and many students did as I did). (if you solve the question as meter the result would be illogical). However, finally the examiner accepted this illogical answer.
But this was not the reason that I got low mark. because all other questions I did perfectly.
2nd:This competition was not truthful, because some people changed the result. (it is a shame but it happened in my city). They were penalized but the result of the competition was not corrected. (It would be very complex if I talk more about this).
But in short: I got low mark not because of my poor performance.
----- I was disappointed. Finally I realized my first motivation for studying physics (study for being the best) was wrong.
====> I realized actually I like Physics and my true motivation should be passion.
After read your comments I think I must rearrange my essay. This topic is quite difficult for me to write. And maybe I should not talk about the 2nd reason in my essay in order to make it short and not make readers confused.
Thank you very much for comment!
I rewrote the essay here, could you please check it for me? Thanks a lot.
In 7th and 8th grade I focused on studying Math because that was my brother's strength. However, I realized that if I continued to study math I could not be very successful since there was a Math prodigy in my class. I confessed that I could not defeat him; therefore I decided to find my own realm at grade 9 which was Physics.
My yearning to be the best was satisfied as I always got the highest marks in every Physics examinations. I was confident in my ability; I believed that I could get the 1st-prize at the Physics competition of Hai Duong city. At the competition, I noticed that a question was illogical since "kilometer" was mistakenly typed as "meter". I corrected the blunder in the question and finished the test perfectly. However, since the examiners only accepted the answer for the original question, I lose my mark and could not get the highest prize.
Very disappointed, I spent the whole week rethinking my path. I started to wonder my first motivation for studying Physics. In retrospect, I realized how much I loved doing my experiments, how delighted I was when I discovered the chromatic dispersion in a rainbow and how excitedly I explained it to my friends. At that time I knew that the more I studied Physics the more I loved it. The accidence hurt my pride of being the best but it helped me to understand the true incentive of study which is passion, not fame.
This seems waaaay too "I am the best, hah. FEEL MY ARROGANCE."
"My yearning to be the best was satisfied as I always got the highest marks in every Physics examinations."
I know you might not think that it sounds like it... But, try not to seem overly proud about your talents and skills. Just tell them that you are good at it and then back it up with what you do to show your interest in it.
Thank you supervisor so much!
I did not realize that. That is my second language so I just expressed the idea , I did not feel that tone. I will change it.
It sounds really good, but it seems to the reader (well atleast to me) that you actually gave up doing something and isn't that a negative thing? Overall I like the essay! Please look at mine and tell me about too...