PROMPT: "We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)"
I write. My minds runs through many thoughts during the day, and there are no days that go by where I don't have something to put down on paper. I live a very rich internal life and I've found that I enjoy thinking and pondering, mixing and experimenting. Being creative and expressing my thoughts onto paper, whether it is in the form of a poem, a story, a phrase, or a drawing is an essential part of who I am.
Hi everyone. I'd appreciate it if anyone could help me. I'm not sure if I'm being too vague and just telling not showing. Can you visualize a person?
Maybe I'm being obtuse here, but I got the feeling that the prompt was asking more about why that certain thing you do for fun is fun.
So perhaps instead of saying that, you "live a very rich internal life and I've found that I enjoy thinking and pondering, mixing and experimenting," try talking about what it is about writing that you enjoy.
You are sort of "telling not showing" as you say; however, your first two lines are excellent I think. "I write" as an opening is good, it answers the question directly and gives the officer an obvious answer to what it is that you do for fun. The next line is good as well, I get the impression that you are somebody who who thinks a lot and somebody who is mentally active. Although, I would redo the sentence section, "My minds runs through many thoughts during the day" because it sort of sounds like your mind is a robot, running through actions :P. I would suggest a new way to say it, but honestly I don't think I could do any better.
Also, your last line seems to undermine the idea that you "write" for fun, as you say you "draw." Perhaps you want to say how you enjoy expressing your thoughts on paper--how it brings you reprieve from the torrent of thoughts flowing through your brain.
Also, keep in mind that because the essay length is so short (150 words), it's not that important to use flowery language or provide an excellent grabber, but rather it's important to make sure you convey exactly what you want to say. Figurative language is certainly a way to do this, or you could include a very short example. I.e. instead of talking about how you live a "rich internal life," talk about how you maybe stay up to midnight 5 days in a row because you are writing a short story, and can't go to sleep without thinking about it, you have to release your thoughts.
Anyway, hope that helped. And If you please, could you take a look at my essay?
Thanks. I've fixed it up a bit, but I'm not sure how to get it on my original post. :p
So here it is instead:
I write. There are no days that go by where I don't have something to put down on paper. Thrown into a different world, being in a different state of mind drives my hand to continue writing. I enjoy thinking and pondering about imaginary places, mixing and experimenting with different characters, plots and ideas. Being creative and expressing my thoughts onto paper, whether it is in the form of a poem, a story, or a phrase is an essential part of who I am.
I write. There are no days that go by where I don't have something to put down on paper. First two lines: Excellent! Thrown into a different world, being in a different state of mind drives my hand to continue writing. Gotta be harsh here, that last sentence makes no sense and doesn't really connect. I get the feeling you're trying to "show not tell" why you like writing, but it doesn't make that much sense. Try using a story instead of figurative language--sometimes that's easier. I enjoy thinking and pondering about imaginary places, mixing and experimenting with different characters, plots and ideas. Ok, why do you enjoy it. Obviously you enjoy writing--otherwise you wouldn't be using it as an answer for this prompt, so you don't really need this sentence. Being creative and expressing my thoughts onto paper, whether it is in the form of a poem, a story, or a phrase is an essential part of who I am.
So, maybe you want to take the part "Thrown into a different world, being in a different state of mind drives my hand to continue writing." And say something to the effect of "When I write, I find myself thrown into a different world, a world of consonants, vowels, syntax, and grammar, each meshing with another to form the perfect sentence, unique from every other, solely my own; it's exhilarating."
Basically that sentence uses (not that great, but ok) figurative language to express what you could feel inside this "different world." Then you say it's exhilarating as a note to the reader that it is--but it's not the important part of the sentence.
As I said before, it's not what you do for fun that they want to know, it's why you think it's fun, and what about it is intriguing for you.
Hope that helps a bit more. Writing essays can be difficult, especially these short ones.
