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MIT Essay: The world you come from


ll931110 7 / 15 3  
Dec 16, 2012   #1
Hi, this is my application essay for MIT. Could you take a moment to review and suggest how can I cut down the amount of words? Thanks!

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

(304 words)
Every 8 PM, my eyes fixed to the black-and-white TV, awaiting new episodes of the famous film 'Journey to the West'. For many years, I was so immersed by its magical world that I always covered my head with a blanket before sleeping, fearing that some fearful monsters would capture and make me their dinner.

My favorite character was Sun Wukong, or Monkey King, which could fly, fight and perform 72 kinds of transformation. With my inherent naĂŻve, I ignored the skeptical look of other people and tried to replicate such magic. Just on my first day doing "experiments", I accidentally burned my mother's jacket in an attempt to transform it into "immortal jacket". Undaunted, I made a bottle which supposed to suck everything inside, but in reality, it could never do better than creating some explodes and making everyone laugh.

Only after entering high school, I learned about special effect, knowing that I was fooled all the time. But it was too late and the "damage" had been done. Struggles in doing experiments had stemmed my love with science. While other children were busy discussing the content of the film, I went to the library and devour every single book. Many of them were far above my grasp, but after time, I absorbed the intricacy and diverse of knowledge, "transforming" to a stubborn child who defied any challenges. For nine years, I considered a 9 grade out of 10 in math exam as a failure. Before fixing a computer, I often whisked my "As-You-Will" stick with a smile of success, not knowing that true success often came after hours of battling with computer's motherboard or fixing a malfunctioned RAM. True, I was naĂŻve. But my mind was pure, as everyone called, and my thinking was even enhanced upon I started my high school.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 16, 2012   #2
fearing that some fearful monsters would capture and make me their dinner.

....OMG ... poor you :D ... anyways, interesting :D

Well.... it's really an interesting piece of writing. But my worry is whether you have answered the prompt properly. This is ok for something like "describe a character that influenced you'' sort of a prompt. But this one asks you ;

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?

Here you need to talk more about your background or the environment you lived in. Isn't it?
YanSun 4 / 7 3  
Dec 16, 2012   #3
Every 8 PM, my eyes fixed to the black-and-white TV, awaiting new episodes of the famous film 'Journey to the West'. For many years, I was so immersed by its magical world that I always covered my head with a blanket before sleeping, fearing that some fearful monsters would capture and make me their dinner.
My favorite character was Sun Wukong, or Monkey King, which could fly, fight and perform 72 kinds of transformation. With my inherent naĂŻve,

Hello a Sun Wukong fever, I think you should go stright to the main idea, the first papagraph is irrelvent i think. the latter part is much better and i can see that why you wanna study in MIT.

Good day!


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