I can't believe I forgot to finish my personal statements! Any advice at this point would be a blessing!
#1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
If I am accepted into the University of California, I would like to focus on Asian American Studies. This area of study is very important to me, for both personal and professional reasons. As a person of mixed-Korean heritage, I feel that my education in matters concerning Asian and Asian American issues has been disturbingly lacking, only being able to find a handful courses on the subjects at the community college level, and I wish to empower myself and to help empower youth that struggle with the same lack of information within the Asian American community. Professionally, I believe that this subject of study would aide my career goal of working with afterschool enrichment programs, catered towards at-risk youth in the Oakland community. I would like to use my Asian American Studies education to supplement the information that is available to youth of all ethnic backgrounds, through enrichment programs and workshops, because I believe that Asian Americans have contributed enough to the United States that they should be given more than a paragraph in a middle school textbook.
Being an adopted child with mixed-Asian ethnicity has been a challenge for me, ever since elementary school, when I was told that the birthfather I would never meet had been mixed-Korean. Unfortunately, the level of racism and insensitivity of my young classmates when I decided to share that information was unbearable, leading me to essentially "throw away" this part of my identity in an effort to protect myself, until I was several years into my college education. It was then that my discovery of Asian American Studies empowered me to embrace not only my Asian side, but also my European blood as well. My negative and positive experiences have helped me relate to and advise youth who are being bullied and feel disempowered, which is an asset in my volunteering work.
I have been volunteering with various programs, even before high school, and I have found that helping others is the one thing that can always bring me joy, no matter what life has thrown at me. Programs that are centered around children have been the most gratifying, including the year that I spent at the Oakland Ice Center, teaching disabled children the basics of Figure Skating, while helping them practice building interpersonal relationships with other children. I was also able to be a part of the first generation of the Oakland Children's Hospital's fund-raising youth volunteer group for their first year, which was a great learning experience. Currently, I am exceptionally proud to be a volunteer intern with the QUEST branch of OASES at Cleveland Elementary School, which is an afterschool enrichment program that utilizes workshops and tutoring to improve the educational experience for over 100 Oakland youth.
Through my volunteering experiences, I have gained a much needed sense of self-worth, and a desire to live life so that I can be a part of something that will positively impact lives. I have gained a wonderful social circle within the Oakland community, due to my interest in non-profit work, which has helped to build my contacts for the future, and also helped to enrich my immediate life with positive interpersonal relationships with people that nurture my new goals and do not judge my dark past as more than a learning experience needed to become the happy, motivated and proud person I am today.
This is really good, the writing structure is great as it flows from one topic to the next. The last sentence is good, I think if you fix it a little bit, it will leave the readers with that WOW factor that will make them remember you.
"I have gained a wonderful social circle within the Oakland community, due to my interest in non-profit work, which has helped to build by contacts for the future, and has also helped to enrich my immediate life with positive interpersonal relationships with people whom have nurtured my new goals and have not judged my dark past as more than a learning experience needed to become the happy (you could use jubilant) motivated and proud person I am today."
Hope this helps.
they should be given more than a paragraph in a middle school textbook.
I agree!
Here is a place you can improve efficiency:
I have been v Volunteering with various programs,
even before high school, and I have found that helping others is the one thing that can always bring me joy, no matter what life has thrown at me. Programs
that are centered around children have been the most gratifying, including the year that I spent at the Oakland Ice Center (no comma necessary here) teaching disabled children the basics of...
Through my volunteering experiences, I have gained a much needed sense of self-worth, and a desire to live life so that I can be a part of something that will positively impact lives. You repeated "volunteering experiences," and the idea of positively impacting lives. I think it wqould be better to scratch this sentence and start the essay with this next one:
I
have gained a wonderful social circle within the Oakland community, due to my interest in non-profit work, which has helped to build my contacts for the future, and also helped to enrich my immediate life with positive interpersonal relationships with people that nurture my new goals.
and I do not regard my dark past as more than a learning experience needed to become the happy, motivated and proud person I am today.
:-)
