Hey everyone! I need some advice and corrections on this. I am an international student, so I am never truly sure about my writing in English. This is supplemental essay for University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
What's your latest discovery? What do you hope to learn next?
Yumagulov Galimulla Galimovich, my great-granduncle, was mobilized in November 1942. He was just 17 years old. He was directed to an artillery school, but left to go and fight as a part of infantry regiment. In 1943, he was heavily wounded by shrapnel German mine. After half a year in hospital, he started service at tank courses after which he was sent to tank division in Ukraine. In short time, he became a commander of a tank. He met the victory on Slovakian land. Consequently, he was sent to war with militaristic Japan, in which he went through Korean and Chinese lands and took part in fights for Mukden and Harbin.
He was mobilized in 1950. A very respected man, he had military and after-war rewards including the decoration of the Great Patriotic War. Despite his hard fate, the smile of happiness always shined on his face. My grandmother recalls: "I always thanked uncle for being the example of benevolence and modesty for all of us".
This story is my latest discovery. It is the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle. It helped me to understand the value of freedom and peaceful time. When I discovered it not a long time, I felt ashamed that I never heard of it before.
Two years ago Galimula Galimovich left this world. It was 87th year of his life. I regret never meeting this man whose story affected my life so much.
After I heard about this story, I realized that people should value their history and remember their roots. Only if we will do that, we will remember the best traits of humans and evade the worst mistakes. If I had not known that story, I would not have been able to appreciate liberty and peacefulness. After I heard it I decided to study and work and eventually make the world a better place. A lot of my peers these days do not understand that they should try to contribute this world and live an interesting and meaningful life. This story motivates me to work hard and to treasure the opportunity to receive world-class education - something, my great-grandfather never could have.
After that discovery, I made a decision to learn more about my family. It is not easy for me as right now I live far away from lands where my ancestors lived. However, I am not giving up and as soon as I will have such an opportunity, I will go there for new discoveries about my family.
Change stuff like "After that discovery, I made a decision to learn more about my family. " to "After that discovery, I decided to learn more about my family."
And try and combine some of your sentences. It seems like you're just listing a bunch of stuff about the story.
For example, change "This story is my latest discovery. It is the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle. It helped me to understand the value of freedom and peaceful time. When I discovered it not a long time, I felt ashamed that I never heard of it before." to "When I discovered the story of my hero, my role model, my great-granduncle, it helped me understand the value of freedom and a peaceful time and I feel ashamed that I had never heard it before. "
Just change stuff like that.
Overall I thought the essay was pretty good; take this with a grain of salt, however, because I'm new to the forums and not super experienced in essay writing. However, one thing caught my eye - the quantity of sentences in the first paragraph that begin the thought with "he..." maybe rephrase some of these 'he...'s using my great-granduncle, or using his actual name. Switching things like that and taking some of the 'he...'s out would definitely improve this! But other than that, well written!
Thanks a lot, guys. I really appreciate your feedback. It is nice to realize that my writing is not bad, but actually quite good :D
